Sauerkraut and Missionary work

When I was young, living in Texas with my parents, i have a vague memory of my mom making sauerkraut. My memory is really limited but I do remember all of us kids making a big fuss. She had this crock and food, and I remember thinking what she made was horrid. I have since linked it with the experience of my grandmother staying with us and making liver and onions. Both meals were awful. TO this day I have never eating liver and onions. I almost could say the same about sauerkraut. Yet a few Thursdays ago when we were grocery shopping and Kennedy was at dance, I was so hungry I had a headache. I stopped in at Arbys. I got a ruben on rye, in the middle was sauerkraut. The sandwich was the best experience from fast food that I had in a long long time. I groaned with pleasure at every bite.it was embarrassing, so I was glad I was in the car alone. I hoped the waiting parents in the next car couldn't hear me. but it was dark so maybe they can't recognize me.
I know that fast food places dumb down condiments and flavors: the spicy chicken at McD's is not so spicy, the salsa at sonic is chunky ketchup, the sauerkraut at arbys is not so strong. I usually mock the other fast food places for their bland flavors, yet now I realize how some feel about the spicy other places.

Missionary work for me is like sauerkraut. I'm sure Brother Uckdorf can really handle some strong sauerkraut and loves it. Me- not so much. Not that the canned is good, but bland fresh would probably work for me. We are really focusing on missionary work in our stake this year and I feel it is like strong sauerkraut. I can't hardly take it. I feel already burned out and pushed to my limit of sharing the gospel with others. I feel a clash in what I have always believed: that there are many paths back to Jesus, and some need to hear the good words of others, not just LDS to find that path. Like different sauerkraut recipes What would the world be like of all good works and good people were only LDS?  Don't some people out there need "bland sauerkraut" when it comes to the gospel to learn to love and want the stronger version?  I have been told many times this month that if we really feel we had the good news we would be so anxious for others to have it too. As if anything they currently  believe is not good news. Yes I do believe we have the only correct ordinances and authority to get us through the gates of Heaven.  (had a inactive friend ask me how do I know that we have the correct priesthood, and besides faith, I didn't have an answer and want to find one)** and did later to my own satisfaction and strengthening of my own beliefs.
Those who are talking of missionary work at every breath come off to me like there is no other way but to baptize them all NOW. I have never felt like this before with any other church idea. I usually find my spot, how much I can give and feel good about it too.   While I believe and am told to carefully pray about who could benefit from my particular "recipe", I feel at the same time that I am being told that should included someone else s ideas.  I feel guilty for not calling myself on a mission, for not giving 70 hours a week like a Jehovah's witness is ( I know i am exaggerating for a giggle)  I am so focused on incidences like my student teacher being asked by the missionaries to give them names of all of us at the school he worked with so they could contact us.  He told me they were really really persistent. 1. the missionaries should know our small town so well that they knew the school better, and 2. that is so inappropriate to ask for contact information from him on a professional level when he has not gotten to know any of us personally.  Or when a sunday school teacher felt the need to take up 30 minutes talking about her current plan of promoting missionary work more in her life.
I really don't know what to do; I have tried to talk to my people around me and they are not struggling and can't bridge the gap to help me find my place. I don't feel my testimony shaken, nor do I want to quit going to church. I just don't think this is the WAY for me, and I can't find one nor can I ignore it.... ***at a loss ***
I heard a story about someone praying for a year over a particular problem before she got an answer; it wasn't the one she was looking for and it took a long time.
Hopefully as I keep working on this I will find my place my way and my recipe.

harness the power of the peanut

I am sorry is a small but simple word. why people and I really mean teens can't harness the power of that word is beyond my grasp. As I sit scratching my head like a baboon over this word and what it means, I can't help but remits over and over the situation that makes my head itch-a two handed,10 nail head scratcher. a younger person that I encounter every day seems to think "I'm sorry" should cure all that he has done wrong. I think this week I have heard it a millions times. it seems as if he can't get the words out fast enough so he can do another thing wrong, free of guilt and worry. I am his priest and he just waits for 15 Hail Marys and 10 our fathers from me. grahhh, I am not sure I can take it much longer. the irritation that rise in me when I hear him say this over and over will take me over soon. or at least cause me to me to be bald. what what I do next? wear my irritated baldness like a badge or wear a solid wig so I could scratch more in frustration at this young man, free from the worry of creating the grand canyon in my skull.

I had enough this week of fake I'm sorry and so I  blurted out" just stop, you need to find another word. I am sorry is wrong when you don't mean it and it makes me mad. it is insulting"

He smiled  a sheepish crooked grin that gripped  my stomach in a tight fist. I could feel the lid of patience pop off - mentos in diet coke, ready to spew a mile high. people have said they couldn't teach, days like this. I question why I do it too on days like this.

 " My bad Mrs. Scarbrough"
I wanted to laugh and cry. so I snorted at him and turns away.

 sigh, it doesn't change much, but that is better than a fake I am sorry...

Origins of the Priesthood

I was at a friend's house the other day and we were talking about Jesus. I could tell sh had a long way to go before she came back to our church and she was searching in a lot of places for her testimony and relationship with Jesus. Her study is focused on the bible and books from random people who have thoughts on the subject. I think she wanted me to agree with their words; and they  weren't wrong, they just didn't have the total package. However, I could tell she needed to start from ground 0, even though she had been raised in the church, she never got the good news of the gospel and so many of her thoughts were twisted and her testimony of Christ was non existent.

One thing we talked about was that every religion believed that they had the true priesthood. This got me to thinking was there a way I could trace the authority of the priesthood through the ages. I think I did after a few days of looking.  I was going to write her a letter, but I don't know how in that it may be too deep for her and not what she is looking for right now anyway.
As the Prophet Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon, he found mention of baptism for the remission of sins. On May 15, 1829, he and his scribe Oliver Cowdery went into the woods to inquire of the Lord concerning baptism. As they prayed, “a messenger from heaven descended in a cloud of light.” This messenger was John the Baptist, the prophet who had baptized Jesus Christ centuries earlier. John the Baptist, now a resurrected being, laid his hands on Joseph and on Oliver and conferred upon each of them the Aaronic Priesthood, which had been taken from the earth during the Great Apostasy. With this authority, Joseph and Oliver were able to baptize one another. (See Joseph Smith—History 1:68-72.), 

Now I knew how the priesthood got to this time after being off the earth for so long, but I wated to trace it back as far as I could. I searched more.  Later in JSH and in DC they tell of Peter, James, and John giving them more keys to the priesthood. I wanted to know where they got it so I went to the new testament. PJ &J were given the priesthood  by Jesus directly right before the end of his ministry. Peter, James and John were translated in the same set of passages. Later those men gave it to Joesph smith and oliver cowdry

How did Christ get the priesthood?
The keys of the priesthood are the right to preside and direct the affairs of the Church within a jurisdiction. Jesus Christ holds all the keys of the priesthood pertaining to His Church. He has conferred upon each of His Apostles all the keys that pertain to the kingdom of God on earth. The senior living Apostle, the President of the Church, is the only person on earth authorized to exercise all priesthood keys.

In the old testament in Numbers it records the lord giving special duties to the Levites and the Aaronites. They were also held to different standards and punishments. 
he also called someone to be a prophet to lead and guide his people as in Amos 3:7 During Old Testament times, God followed this pattern by appointing prophets such as Adam, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, and Moses to establish His Church among the people. As part of this pattern, the prophets gave priesthood authority to additional worthy men as priests and teachers to help in the Church.
Exodus28-29, Hebrews, and Article faith 1: 5 all tell how a man is called to the priesthood. I found a seminary lesson that teachers about it.

Missionary Mania

Our stake is on the missionary push. As a teacher, you wouldn't think I was shy, but inside, I am. It seems also impossible that I could be because I am loud and opinionated. But, see the things I am loud about, are not things about ME, the me that keeps private about the serious, personal stuff.

ONe of my personal things is my belief-I really feel like we are pushing our religion on everyone around: members, inactive, non, the dog the cat, whoever we can lay hands on. I have this mental picture of big smiles, off beat outfits, singing, and clasped hands. Maybe a cross between sound of music and the brady bunch band.

If we're happy, we should want to share what makes up happy with the world. However, being from the mission field, I know that people are in different progress stages and the big push seems like we are discrediting all the good others do in the the name of Christ because it isn't also done in the name of TCoJCoLDS.  I felel we are discrediting other's journey because they are not currently including LDS as part of their journey. Who am I to say that the ministry of sister Teresa was not quite what the lord wanted just because she was not LDS. I know she was amazing, but there are everyday people who are help so many out there and they are not LDS. I don't know how to reconcile myself with  y perception of the hardcore push with my belief that good people are guided were they are supposed to be LDS or not.
I see others and I think that I am not on fire for God, nor do I feel sad for others who don't believe the same way I do.
I feel guilty, shame, anger, and I am tired of the push. Even when I hear those who give the non aggressive method of missionary work, I still feel I am not doing enough. I am thinking about not going to stake conference because my view of it will be a 2 day training of how to be a better member missionary. I am so not up for that, yet I don't want to stay away. I am not about to go rouge, my core testimony is not weak.
Yesterday in class one of my LDS students was complaining that she was asked to do yet another thing for stake conference and she was feeling overwhelmed. I got really made for her. Didn't those who asked her know she was all readying speaking, her personal life was a mess, and she has a lot going on at school? I wondered why they would push her to the edge like that. It seemed so inconsiderate. She wouldn't say no, because she was taught not to. This got me to thinking that girls don't have enough practice saying no, and that gets them in trouble in the dating world. I told her that she had the right to ask if they knew her schedule and to pray about it before saying yes.  She sighed and wouldn't agree with me.

like a pink icicle

When I was in about 7th grade, I had pretty much finished growing. although now I would kill for the size I was; then I thougth I was a giant. Bigger than most all other classmates, I stood out.I remember being weighed in 7th grade and my weight was said out loud, 120. The heavest in the room. I am sure my large and in charge teacher would have killed for 120, I would now. So,  It was about this time I got a new coat from my grandmother Butler. It was pink and white. It was a horror to keep clean, which is how she rolled. "beautiful" yet inappropriate things for her grandchildren. Now I see that she came from a different time; a place where maids and others took care of the small details. why not have things that are hard to keep up? Someone will take care of it. I am sure I looked like and "angel" in it; if angel was every synonymous with giant pink and white girraffee.  Then I saw this ugly pink and white coat. it was puffy, and long, and it stood out.I hate puffy sleeves. I hated long coats too.  For a kid who felt like she stood out for some many other things: being Mormon, being tall, being poor, having parents who were educated, living, we lived in the Concho of New Boston, Texas,  we had a big family (for the area)... you name it.  That coat was just an example of all the things i was trying to do to fit in.
 I am sure some of those feelings were real, and some were exaggereated as all growing teens do to themseves. But that coat, Oh I hated it so badly badly. I tried everthing to wear it out, to break it, to ruin it, to make it go away. I don't remember ever having another coat: we were broke and you don't get a new anything until the other was worn out, and I had stopped growing so why get a new coat.
I don't have pictures of another coat.So I can't prove I was deprived, nor can my mom prove I am exaggerating. Yet,  I do remember finding a red wool plaid  Mom made while she was in college. i was a freshman at BYU and still had the pink coat. 4-6 years later! The red one was not a perfect match,  It was not fit for me as I am wider in the shoulders and arms than she was, but I was willing to wear that coat instead of the pink nightmare.

 Somewhere in college, maybe still at BYU, maybe at NAU, I finally got the green coat. I don't love it now, but still own it and like it better than the pink icing.
Maybe the pink coat is the reasons why I own so many now: the green, the black long church, the US Homes blue, the brown carheart that scott bought me, the red, the hunting, the brown, and others that are technically Scotts, but I took over. Adn then there are the many jackets and sweaters. I could always use another.
Now days, I could care less what I have on, for the most part. I even have embrased scarves and beanies. Two things I Never wanted on my body. Why.. I think then I felt they made me more noticible with the pink coat so I froze rather than stayed warm. The pink coat started a chain of events that ended in me trying to be cool to the point that I never was warm in the winter.
watching the Goldbergs toniht  reminded me of everything ugly from the 80/90s. Good by and good riddance pink coat. but am thinking the Pea Coat  I just saw on a comercial needs to be the next addition to the family of coats I have...

modest vs inappropriate

I was reading a blog today from a woman who is very angry at the modesty lesson given in primary. The way she described it, I would have been mad too, if for no other reason than it is my job to set the standards of what is and is not modest.

Why? Because it doesn’t match the standards of the time/place/situation. And people in 
those places shouldn’t have to be subjected to it. It isn’t about making that person responsible for our behavior, it is about respecting the people around you, and their right not to be bombarded with that kind of talk.Modesty, I believe, is the same type of behavior, in the sense that it doesn't just affect yourself, but those around you against their will. Sure men could just have more control, but that's not the point here. And if you don't get that, then anything else I could say about this probably won't change. 

We talked about modest and chasity today in adult Sunday school. I am not sure the teacher got across when he was wanting, but the comments were pretty good. and most of them were from women. what does    member of any group when they find that they don't agree with one part of the group, but by and large most things are ok. or even more personal, when one doesn't agree or like a leader (and it doesn't seem to change). 
those that are over zealous do have a place, they are the ones who get the rest of us to do anything. as image though, I have a hard time being about them...

struggling with the little miracles

over the last few months, our stake has asked us to pray for little miracles. I think the little miracles they are asking about are connected to missionary work.
 I am really struggling with this for many reasons. One, having  grown up it the "field" in the deep Bible south, my ideas of missionary work do not match the zealous outreaching of those here in the west where Mormons are in the majority. I really feel one should be delicate when approaching others.  this brings me to, two: that our missionaries are extremely pushy. they asked my student teacher for names, and it seems just out of his hat,  of people they could teach. these missionaries didn't even know the town well enough to know that I, the cooperating teacher, the principal, and everyone at the high school but 4 were lds- they kept asking about us. . the four that are not, three are very strong Catholics who have grown up with us SJ Mormons all their lives. if those people would ever consider changing, it would take a long building relationship. yet,   they kept pushing him to name someone, just anyone.  I am first offended that the missionaries didn't take the time to know of the lds people in town. I am angry to be pushed to name people who have not even been friends with me enough for me to have those kind of conversations with, kobolds be mortified if my name was dropped when calling and trying to get into the doors of my un ready acquaintances.  third, I don't understand the push. fourth, I don't want to be a "bad" Mormon, but i don't want to be a part of the zealous push.
I don't know what to do about this. I want to serve The Lord. I don't want it to seem like I only want to do it when it is convent for me, although that would be nice, but I don't agree  with or understand the push...
 I really don't know,what to do. I am not about to make new friends just for a secret ulterior motive of getting them baptized. I don't make friends well and don't like to,hang out with people, so I would not do it just to get someone to be Mormon. my only solution right now it to pray about what to do for me and my family.  other than that, I gots nothing... except to avoid the missionaries for now.