Twice this week I have seen a beautiful sunrise on the way to school. The first time I saw it I was blown away at its beauty.Summer is coming. Swimming, feeling the heat of the sun over my closed eyes.
AHHH Heaven.
Overwhelming feelings of gratitude filled my heart and soul at getting the privilege to see it. Wishing I could be in the moment longer, I had to quickly dry up my spilled tears to face the minions of the day who either wouldn't have understood or been confused at the emotion. I was lucky enough to see another yesterday.
I am having eye surgery on Monday.
My life will be very very painful for about 3 months, hard for 6 months and difficult for 18 months. I close read the surgery information just yesterday. Grateful that I waited. The lifestyle changes are whelming but won't say overwhelming. Tempted-sorely tempted, I would say that this is the hardest thing I have ever done, if I had never had 2-3 other things happen in my life-getting left at the "alter" is pretty tough -life changing. Maybe those have prepared me. Yet, I don't feel strong enough to make the life changes. Really, I don't feel that my family is strong enough to face the changes.,
I am actually not freaking out over the surgery. Don' t like it, don't like it one bit. But the panic is about what happens after. When the fam faces all the trouble of this. Right now, it ins't worth it. I am not sure the surgery will fix what is wrong. Not sure I will ever be 100% again. 1 in 50 patients reject the transplant.
AM I #50?
With the ability to limp along now in hand, I am not sure trading it for 2 in the bush so to speak will be worth it at all. The lack of control over my life and independence for possibly 18 months is looming like a dark night.
Scott keeps saying it will be ok. I sure hope that sunrise will be there on Wednesday-and all the Wednesday's after that.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Monday, September 1, 2014
on the drive to prescott with NPR
I drove behind scott to prescott this weekend. 5 hours of am I going to make it. Music or food was not going to cut it for me . I found me some NPR. Kennedy was dying to turn it but my fascination in their topic kept me away at 10 on the road. I am getting old.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Rules make the world go around.... until they wrap around your neck
Sport physicals, beginning of the new school year, clothes, supplies, and classroom rules. All are a must in one shape or another. When I first started teaching I had 18 rules and procedures. I wanted students to be prepared for events in the classroom. You know what? they don't care, you know what else? I can't keep up with the way utopia should be.
Life is messy
And so I really want to pare down to one rule. Don't do stuff that bugs me.
At the end of last year I told the kids flat out, if you can do it and get away with it, how will I know. You know you, do what you need to do to keep out of trouble. Either dont' do it, or get better at getting caught.
Does this mean I don't believe in honor? or doing things the right way? or that there is no black and white.
NO,I just don't like stupid rules for stupid reasons and enforce them on people who ought and do know better. And if you do, have a logical good reason for it.
I ran into this today. Sports physicals are good for 3 years at the jr high. No reason why, just cause that is the way it is. but if you got one last spring you have to get another now if you crossed over from 6th to 7th grade. It defeats the purpose of a sports physical especially when you child's body changes so so much in these years.
I would have been happy with a variety of reasons why they made it this way,
but the one that got me on a rampage is Just because that is the way it is....
burnt up.
Life is messy
And so I really want to pare down to one rule. Don't do stuff that bugs me.
At the end of last year I told the kids flat out, if you can do it and get away with it, how will I know. You know you, do what you need to do to keep out of trouble. Either dont' do it, or get better at getting caught.
Does this mean I don't believe in honor? or doing things the right way? or that there is no black and white.
NO,I just don't like stupid rules for stupid reasons and enforce them on people who ought and do know better. And if you do, have a logical good reason for it.
I ran into this today. Sports physicals are good for 3 years at the jr high. No reason why, just cause that is the way it is. but if you got one last spring you have to get another now if you crossed over from 6th to 7th grade. It defeats the purpose of a sports physical especially when you child's body changes so so much in these years.
I would have been happy with a variety of reasons why they made it this way,
but the one that got me on a rampage is Just because that is the way it is....
burnt up.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
No view, a back hoe and a Chinease elm
I plan and work on a bit the elms that grow in the ditch outside my drive. I wasn't sure whose job it was to take care of the ditches and since the city didn't I figured it was my job. That I was not allowed to use a chain saw and scott didn't have backhoe time to do. It was getting so bad that I was afraid that I would hit Lauie when she came back from feeding in the morning. She is the only person who comes back into town in the morning.
I chided myself each time I pulled out of the drive way, that is a lot of chiding.
I praised the city, did a happy dance and made them cookies when they took out the elms along my ditch. It took 1/4 of a day to do what I couldn't keep up doing. 5 guys are better than one lady, a boy, and a dog.
my ditches are clear. I just wish they would have gone crazy at my house
too.
who ever was the pioneer that thought the chinese elm would be a great tree to plan here needs to be kicked in the teeth.
I chided myself each time I pulled out of the drive way, that is a lot of chiding.
I praised the city, did a happy dance and made them cookies when they took out the elms along my ditch. It took 1/4 of a day to do what I couldn't keep up doing. 5 guys are better than one lady, a boy, and a dog.
my ditches are clear. I just wish they would have gone crazy at my house
too.
who ever was the pioneer that thought the chinese elm would be a great tree to plan here needs to be kicked in the teeth.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Grateful in every moment
Spent today doing bare minimums. we went to SL about 3 or 4. As we were coming back, it was raining nicely and the roads were wet until outside of Concho Valley. I was thinking about how we can be grateful in any situation. I tried really hard to focus on the rain the mountains were getting and anywhere that got it. I tried to think of why SJ wasn't getting rain and how the Lord knows our needs and will take care of us. I kept pushing thoughts of unfair out of my mind each time they came back.
I know my prayers and ungratitude isn't what keeps rain here or away, but I know that one person does make a difference to the Lord. Look at Lot when he wanted to save Sodom. One would have made a difference.
As we settled in for the night, it began to rain, I said a quick thank you for it. Then I tried not to be afraid. Ever since I was little storms and wind at night have scared me, especially when I was home alone.
One prayer may not have made a difference if it rained or not, but it made a difference to me
I know my prayers and ungratitude isn't what keeps rain here or away, but I know that one person does make a difference to the Lord. Look at Lot when he wanted to save Sodom. One would have made a difference.
As we settled in for the night, it began to rain, I said a quick thank you for it. Then I tried not to be afraid. Ever since I was little storms and wind at night have scared me, especially when I was home alone.
One prayer may not have made a difference if it rained or not, but it made a difference to me
Friday, July 11, 2014
A shout out to my insurance company!
I am not a big birthday person. Couldn't care about most of it really. As I age, and not eat junk most of the time, I don't really want the hassle of planning to eat out. However, a small token by my kids/hubby is what I would like without having to ask for it.
It could be cleaning for me, or a gift I won't buy myself, or doing a chore that I don't love to do. Service goes a long long long way for me as a gift. I love service as a gift I can usually buy the other things for myself.
But this is how my day went instead and I was ok with it all until dinner, no cake, no gift and .... well nothing much.
I got a happy birthday at 5 in the morning- a great start off. Very hopeful.
Later, we left to take Scott and Kenny to the airport a day early so we could celebrate my day. Again good, even though the start was a bit rocky.
We went to bass pro, the sportsman's warehouse and walmart looking for last minute stuff, which was necessary, but no one asked me what I wanted and we never bought me anything. I bought myself a new swim suit off the clearance rack while I looked for Kennedy a sweater and waited for a prescription.... I was content to buy that than have someone else buy it, but I wished someone would have thought a little about me.
We ate out which was fine because I planned my cheat day to be this day, until we only ate fast food- it was a long day, I was tired, so was Scott, but I would have liked to be the one to say "Lets order out and go back to the room".
Petes Fish and Chips really made up for 75% of my disappointment cause I cant get it and do love it, love those sloppy fish sandwiches love lobster too, just saying. cant get that on the mountain either....
The kids and I swam, which I love, yet Scott was too tired come out and sit with us, but I don't really blame him, it was hooootttt outside at 8 pm.
Yet, Happy Birthday to me, I bought myself cake on the way home from the valley and the kids sang to me when they wanted to share a piece with me.
I woke up with a sick stomach, so the cake was not a good idea. Ha to me.
3 of my 4 siblings and my mom/stepdad texted me. My kids kept saying that they thought it was the 11th, and arguing about it....hmmm yep that is why.
On the upside I got a card in the mail from my insurance company. If I had known that would have been the only recognition, I wouldn't have been so quick and snarky to throw it in the junk mail bin with a snort that they just want to keep my business.
This is the icing on the cake-pun intended- of why lately I have felt unimportant and bit maxed out on my desire to stay anonymous.I guess I have spent so many years trying not to be noticed for fear of ridicule or making too much out of a situation and making someone feel obligated, now that I have achieved it, it isn't what I want either. Birthdays are for new beginnings, so if I don't like the way things are, I can change them. Heres to something different next year.
It could be cleaning for me, or a gift I won't buy myself, or doing a chore that I don't love to do. Service goes a long long long way for me as a gift. I love service as a gift I can usually buy the other things for myself.
But this is how my day went instead and I was ok with it all until dinner, no cake, no gift and .... well nothing much.
I got a happy birthday at 5 in the morning- a great start off. Very hopeful.
Later, we left to take Scott and Kenny to the airport a day early so we could celebrate my day. Again good, even though the start was a bit rocky.
We went to bass pro, the sportsman's warehouse and walmart looking for last minute stuff, which was necessary, but no one asked me what I wanted and we never bought me anything. I bought myself a new swim suit off the clearance rack while I looked for Kennedy a sweater and waited for a prescription.... I was content to buy that than have someone else buy it, but I wished someone would have thought a little about me.
We ate out which was fine because I planned my cheat day to be this day, until we only ate fast food- it was a long day, I was tired, so was Scott, but I would have liked to be the one to say "Lets order out and go back to the room".
Petes Fish and Chips really made up for 75% of my disappointment cause I cant get it and do love it, love those sloppy fish sandwiches love lobster too, just saying. cant get that on the mountain either....
The kids and I swam, which I love, yet Scott was too tired come out and sit with us, but I don't really blame him, it was hooootttt outside at 8 pm.
Yet, Happy Birthday to me, I bought myself cake on the way home from the valley and the kids sang to me when they wanted to share a piece with me.
I woke up with a sick stomach, so the cake was not a good idea. Ha to me.
3 of my 4 siblings and my mom/stepdad texted me. My kids kept saying that they thought it was the 11th, and arguing about it....hmmm yep that is why.
On the upside I got a card in the mail from my insurance company. If I had known that would have been the only recognition, I wouldn't have been so quick and snarky to throw it in the junk mail bin with a snort that they just want to keep my business.
This is the icing on the cake-pun intended- of why lately I have felt unimportant and bit maxed out on my desire to stay anonymous.I guess I have spent so many years trying not to be noticed for fear of ridicule or making too much out of a situation and making someone feel obligated, now that I have achieved it, it isn't what I want either. Birthdays are for new beginnings, so if I don't like the way things are, I can change them. Heres to something different next year.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
the trickle of time
87
that is the number of days I have to be only a stay at home mom.
Those days make the rest of my year bearable. Not that I don't love teaching, but somewhere after February it become drastically more unpleasant. Christmas was too rushed (how can a teacher mom buy all christmas in 5 days???) and Maybe the students get to know me too well, maybe i get to know their uncommitted promises too much. Maybe baseball starts and I can't keep a clean house to save us.
87
days to live, to slow life down to a trickle, letting each day puddle in your palm and slip through your fingers into the past. I regret each drop until I find a new one in my hand to replace it.
Days are slow: full of books, lunches, thoughts, the pool and movies. TO have no where to have to be, is delicious.
I think stahm's don't understand the need to recharge like this. My sisters think we waste our summers in boredom. They are vaca-ers, go-ers, movers and shakers.
I get that.
When you face too much time alone you want to go.
yet, I go to much. so my love is to be at home, love to set my own pace, live only my life, and not worry when the kids shower or how long they have played in the sand.
it is glorious. Yet I feel school washing over me again. I have started writing little notes to self, dreamed a few dreams, bossed some kids in the park. Teacher-y stuff.
I will hold off until after the Alaska fishing trip to get serious, for now, it is nowhere and nothing on the agenda, just the way I like it.
that is the number of days I have to be only a stay at home mom.
Those days make the rest of my year bearable. Not that I don't love teaching, but somewhere after February it become drastically more unpleasant. Christmas was too rushed (how can a teacher mom buy all christmas in 5 days???) and Maybe the students get to know me too well, maybe i get to know their uncommitted promises too much. Maybe baseball starts and I can't keep a clean house to save us.
87
days to live, to slow life down to a trickle, letting each day puddle in your palm and slip through your fingers into the past. I regret each drop until I find a new one in my hand to replace it.
Days are slow: full of books, lunches, thoughts, the pool and movies. TO have no where to have to be, is delicious.
I think stahm's don't understand the need to recharge like this. My sisters think we waste our summers in boredom. They are vaca-ers, go-ers, movers and shakers.
I get that.
When you face too much time alone you want to go.
yet, I go to much. so my love is to be at home, love to set my own pace, live only my life, and not worry when the kids shower or how long they have played in the sand.
it is glorious. Yet I feel school washing over me again. I have started writing little notes to self, dreamed a few dreams, bossed some kids in the park. Teacher-y stuff.
I will hold off until after the Alaska fishing trip to get serious, for now, it is nowhere and nothing on the agenda, just the way I like it.
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