Twice this week I have seen a beautiful sunrise on the way to school. The first time I saw it I was blown away at its beauty.Summer is coming. Swimming, feeling the heat of the sun over my closed eyes.
AHHH Heaven.
Overwhelming feelings of gratitude filled my heart and soul at getting the privilege to see it. Wishing I could be in the moment longer, I had to quickly dry up my spilled tears to face the minions of the day who either wouldn't have understood or been confused at the emotion. I was lucky enough to see another yesterday.
I am having eye surgery on Monday.
My life will be very very painful for about 3 months, hard for 6 months and difficult for 18 months. I close read the surgery information just yesterday. Grateful that I waited. The lifestyle changes are whelming but won't say overwhelming. Tempted-sorely tempted, I would say that this is the hardest thing I have ever done, if I had never had 2-3 other things happen in my life-getting left at the "alter" is pretty tough -life changing. Maybe those have prepared me. Yet, I don't feel strong enough to make the life changes. Really, I don't feel that my family is strong enough to face the changes.,
I am actually not freaking out over the surgery. Don' t like it, don't like it one bit. But the panic is about what happens after. When the fam faces all the trouble of this. Right now, it ins't worth it. I am not sure the surgery will fix what is wrong. Not sure I will ever be 100% again. 1 in 50 patients reject the transplant.
AM I #50?
With the ability to limp along now in hand, I am not sure trading it for 2 in the bush so to speak will be worth it at all. The lack of control over my life and independence for possibly 18 months is looming like a dark night.
Scott keeps saying it will be ok. I sure hope that sunrise will be there on Wednesday-and all the Wednesday's after that.
