Christmas Cheer

We have had a busy month this December. We went to Vegas and had the Griswald experience getting there. I am glad that I have learned to laugh about it, because we only needed the "missing" dog and the dead grandma to boot.

I came back to a stack of weird papers and odd assignments. I guess I didn't know how to assign assignments with a sub who use to be my student teacher. It was fine, life rolls on. I only had about 3 freshmen fail and 1 senior in the end fail. You can bring a horse to water, but it is illegal to drowned a kid... I couldn't force them to turn in work or critically think, although I will look like I can't teach a kid. The experts will tell you that any underfunded, aged technology, too full classroom with multiple level learners can learn if the teacher is just awesome enough and will be able to teach.

BS So many people have said they can't teach while they are voting for pay cuts or bigger teacher evaluations.

On another note, I am glad it is Christmas break even though I have what seems like an ear infection or not, can tell really.  I got a card from our RSP who told me how much burden I eased with my service.-Service: My weakness- I feel so guilty because I panic and hop around my room each time I have to call our sisters to help serve. I put them all in my place of being too busy and therefore annoyed to help, esp knowing that no one has every helped me in the ways that I need the most  (see older posts about my house) because they can't that is just life and remodeling and lessons.

I can help myself and others who don't help themselves are wimpy.

 See so I am guilty.

No blessing is a blessing when done with a rude heart- and stuff like that.

Yet I try, and I asked her to not release me until I thought I got the hang of that calling.

And another note, septic is slow.... I won't go into details for that. Just know that it calls for being creative with water. It seems like every year I have to be creative with water - be it frozen or running or breaking or leaking.

Water, and blessings, and service, Yeah, that about sums it up for December. :)

How is infertility like remodeling?

I have struggled with my house, the way it looks and things not being "right" for years-since we have moved it. It is a problem that has many sides: my hubby not caring,wanting, seeing enough to do, not knowing where to start, helpless, feeling like my prayers are not being answered, self doubt, isolation, set aside for other things.

I have run the gammet ,even in 1 day, of emotions: anger, hopelessness, despair, sadness, embarrassment, acceptance.

I have prayed, not prayed, begged, bartered, ignored-to no avail.

Then one day I was talking to a friend about infertility and not having the family life you dreamed of. She always wanted 8 kids, stay at home and a loving hubby. She got 1 and a divorce. She told me she still struggles with not having a big family. I see her hold other people's babies and I ache for her.

Not that remodeling my house is as important as building a family, but  in my case, on the eternal sense, it is and has many of the same struggles and is as important to the building of me. I realized that we both were  seeking from the Lord something we didn't have, but wanted. They both a good wantings- wantings that other women seem to get a a drop of a hat with no struggle.  The core of each of our struggles are very similar.  Lately, I have been more earnestly seeking from the Lord what I am supposed to learn from this situation and not only a solution to end it. I don't have many answers yet, but a blog from a woman who was infertile and now is pregnant with #4 gave me food for thought. It began with a scripture in Ether:
Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. 

This scripture really means something to me right now. Having this house nice is a weakness for me. It brings out the lazy, angry, hopeless, princess, worried, compassion-less (if I am struggling this hard and making it, what is wrong with you, so I don't have time to HELP YOU) struggling sides of me to the max. I have thought it was the reason my marriage isn't as good as it could be, why I am unhappy, mean, etc.
Be careful what you ask for, could be the reason I am struggling with this house. A few years ago, I could see myself going down the same path as someone close to me. I am so much like this person that I couldn't see how to make different choices, even though our situations were different in our 30s. I prayed to the Lord to help me not be like this person.
And now, I struggle with this house. I can see this morning how this house is a tool for the Lord to answer that prayer. Even when I didn't know what I was praying for. I also see that if my house magically was fixed today, that it wouldn't solve my problems with what I am struggling with. I could see how I would just fixate on another thing in my life.
I would blame the new thing on what is wrong with me, my marriage, my family.

 Here is what the other woman had to say that really says it better than I could:
My weakness was not seeing who I really was, with or without a baby. I could only see myself as a person who wanted. I was incomplete. And upon getting (miraculously) pregnant I didn't suddenly understand, but somehow along the way I could see how the Lord took me by my hand and showed me my strength:

I am a daughter of God, and therefore entitled to intelligence, creativity, joy, inspiration and beyond. These are my strengths. Real strengths.

See, my problem isn't my house. Although it is a problem. my problem has to do with me.
And that is how infertility is like endless remodeling.

The day that the love of the Lord and my love of self, and me seeing who I really and and being grateful for the situation to teach me that may be long time in coming still. I hate that. It hurts. It makes me crazy to think about. Yet, the pain from this situation will someday be my strength. I am hopeful today that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. And not just an end to the remodeling- but a day when I can see myself as the Lord sees me and being grateful for the ride.

Bored to tears

I am sitting listening to my student teacher review the ENTIRE book of TKAM with my students. I can't figure why they are doing this activity. She is talking and talking and expecting kids to take notes. I am tachingthem, they are trying but not really taking notes. Does she like to hear herself talk? This is the WORST activity as a whole.  If she wants to review with them, she should have done it on a chapter by chapter basis or test them on a chapter by chapter basis. But since the point is to teach skills of conclusions, this is a pointless activity.

Can't wait to have my class back.

I don't have anything to do on a Friday

I got asked if I could "just do this thing" for someone. I didn't want to do it, so I decided to write down all the things I should do for myself.
1. pick up kids from sitter
2. make dinner early in case Scott needs it; he's working tonight
3. pack lunch box
4. take wes to a scout dinner
5. get money for sitter and allowances
6. get mail
7. feed other kids
8. pick up wes
9 clean kitchen
10 start a load of laundry
11. feed my own animals
12. work out
13. shower
.....


can I really do someone elses chores? I guess, if I do it in the middle of the night, after I work out so that I don't have hay and mud in the weight room.
Really, what am I ? I am really feeling taken advantage of for the last 4 weeks. I have had it and I want to punch someone for not carrying their load.

By the time I get it all done it will be about 9. I won't have even sat down, unless you count my work out. I need that so that I don't totally blow up at being sucked dry.

 I still haven't texted them back to say yes or no. I can't say it nicely. So I am pretededing that I never saw it.

Homecoming, PTCs, Lifting, and a bunch of Junk

As I am too busy to muse each day, the titel is a recap of many jumbled thoughts.
1. I have a very busy life( some important people in my life says it is just because of time mismanagement) this has caused me to write down everything I do to evaluate if that statement is stupid or true.
2. I have been feeling guilty for having a student teacher, I feel like I should be doing more, yet seem to be spinning my wheels more.
3. My oasis eval.  stupid that 33% of my paycheck will be affected by things out of my control. It is such a load of HS paperwork. Just learn the game and play the rules.
4. I feel unsettled in certain relationships. I feel like I should scrap it and start over because I have made so many mistakes that I can't see how to repair. This is where true forgiveness comes in.
5. I need to make more time for me: weight lifting has suffered in the last month. I am grrhhh about it. I remember something my first gyno told me "Find at least 20 minutes to be just you. It will help with the feelings of being overwhelmed" I need at least an hour each day and have not been doing that. Watching TV doesn't count. I need to be away from my house, kids, work, and hubby. Just ME
6. Business trips away from the house never turn out well around here. I think my hubby needs to see me everyday- he won't admit it, but I can see what happens when he doesn't. Still unsettled about the after effects of it.
7. PTCS - to quote Sheldon's post man from Big Bang "Bitches be crazy" Someone told me that it was the schools fault that her kid failed... which part of the school? Lunch, ME?, the atmosphere?.... Yea, I work really really hard to do my job well, ( even if grading is the bane of my existence ) and even if I am not the greatest, I take offense. Is that child working as hard as I am?
8. Homecoming week and PTC. stupid, stupid, stupid.  I was going home to change and then decided that if someone took offense at the way I was dressed and complained about it, then maybe those who were in charge would change it.
9. Lost money at the sale. Little my fault, little more of scotts, little of the economy
10. I feel that others that I serve don't even know what hard is... I know it is all relevant to each person and that my job is to have compassion on where they are and not compare to where I am, but dang, it is hard to get a call saying what is being done is not enough for them.
11. I am avoid 1 person I work around, wearing me out with all the bossy ideas. but I really love working with the other ones . I really am grateful tthat my gym co teacher recognizes that I did a good job

Was I Cyber Bullied?

I am posting what I received from a parent. I have never been talked to the way this parent talked to me and I think if we were face to face that this parent couldn't have said what they did. I am removing names and genders to make it anonymous....

I think what I got sent was vindicitve, humilliating (Spelling) argumentative and designed to degrade me. I think I was bullied.  I know my kid and if I ever heard a story from him or her I would get the other side of the story before I went popping my mouth off. Maybe I should send this to the school board for the parent to get the ball rolling.

Don't I have rights too on being abused, bullied,and harassed? Maybe not, after all, I am just a teacher.

 

Also, Mrs. ***********, I have heard from my *****as well as other students about you on two seperate occassions calling *****a liar in front of several students or an entire class. Let me assure you that I see this behaviour as nothing short of a teacher in the role of bully. I am not sure where you get your etiquette lessons from but you need to see about a refund, as I feel that if there is a problem with a student, the responsible, grown up way to address it would be to ask to see the student when others are not present or speak to him quietly in the back of the class. What I have heard is that your method of address was not only vindictive and argumentitive but also designed specifically to humilliate and degrade a special needs student. That to me is being a bully and my wife and I are discussing taking this matter to the school board. You should be ashamed.

On Fri, Oct 26, 2012 at 4:11 PM, ******* wrote:

  Hello Mrs. ******,

 I did in fact receive **** grades, as a matter of fact I check them regularly. It appears to me that you are in fact as ignorant as my ******tells me. I don't understand how anyone can get a job as a teacher if they can't do basic math. Maybe you should check his grades and make the necessary adjustments before you try to contact me again.

 *******

Here is my original email.

On Thu, Oct 25, 2012 at 2:50 PM, *********> wrote:

Good afternoon,

I am sure you have gotten ****** grades by now. I would like to have a discussion ****graduation and how ***** grades are effecting that goal. I would like to be a part of your plan to help ****, but he hasn’t been a part of the plan up to now.

I noticed this quarter ****struggled, but I thought ****was able to pass if ****turned in **** career’s unit. ****didn’t make the deadline for that or the late deadline I offered. *****told me few struggles cropped up. I had hoped to modify *****grade when ****did turn in some, but it didn’t appear on my desk.

 

What do you think would help ******? I know ****medications were causing ***** trouble, but I understood that it was getting better.  Maybe ***** is still struggling? Could you email me back so we can assess *****q2 more accurately? Thank you for your time. I hope to hear from you soon.

Storm watch

When I was a very little girlie lived in Houston the storms there were legendary in my little three year old mind.
 I remember one storm when I was really afraid of the wind and rain. Later when we lived in Texas a tornado ripped so many trees out of the ground. One set of roots were taller than a house. We sat in the hall praying; my dad was not around. As silly as it seems those storms made a deep impression on me and now when the wind pucks up a get that little squeeze in my stomach that I have to battle as unreasonable.

 Seriously I have more to be afraid of than a little wind whistling through the trees, don't I?