How is infertility like remodeling?

I have struggled with my house, the way it looks and things not being "right" for years-since we have moved it. It is a problem that has many sides: my hubby not caring,wanting, seeing enough to do, not knowing where to start, helpless, feeling like my prayers are not being answered, self doubt, isolation, set aside for other things.

I have run the gammet ,even in 1 day, of emotions: anger, hopelessness, despair, sadness, embarrassment, acceptance.

I have prayed, not prayed, begged, bartered, ignored-to no avail.

Then one day I was talking to a friend about infertility and not having the family life you dreamed of. She always wanted 8 kids, stay at home and a loving hubby. She got 1 and a divorce. She told me she still struggles with not having a big family. I see her hold other people's babies and I ache for her.

Not that remodeling my house is as important as building a family, but  in my case, on the eternal sense, it is and has many of the same struggles and is as important to the building of me. I realized that we both were  seeking from the Lord something we didn't have, but wanted. They both a good wantings- wantings that other women seem to get a a drop of a hat with no struggle.  The core of each of our struggles are very similar.  Lately, I have been more earnestly seeking from the Lord what I am supposed to learn from this situation and not only a solution to end it. I don't have many answers yet, but a blog from a woman who was infertile and now is pregnant with #4 gave me food for thought. It began with a scripture in Ether:
Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. 

This scripture really means something to me right now. Having this house nice is a weakness for me. It brings out the lazy, angry, hopeless, princess, worried, compassion-less (if I am struggling this hard and making it, what is wrong with you, so I don't have time to HELP YOU) struggling sides of me to the max. I have thought it was the reason my marriage isn't as good as it could be, why I am unhappy, mean, etc.
Be careful what you ask for, could be the reason I am struggling with this house. A few years ago, I could see myself going down the same path as someone close to me. I am so much like this person that I couldn't see how to make different choices, even though our situations were different in our 30s. I prayed to the Lord to help me not be like this person.
And now, I struggle with this house. I can see this morning how this house is a tool for the Lord to answer that prayer. Even when I didn't know what I was praying for. I also see that if my house magically was fixed today, that it wouldn't solve my problems with what I am struggling with. I could see how I would just fixate on another thing in my life.
I would blame the new thing on what is wrong with me, my marriage, my family.

 Here is what the other woman had to say that really says it better than I could:
My weakness was not seeing who I really was, with or without a baby. I could only see myself as a person who wanted. I was incomplete. And upon getting (miraculously) pregnant I didn't suddenly understand, but somehow along the way I could see how the Lord took me by my hand and showed me my strength:

I am a daughter of God, and therefore entitled to intelligence, creativity, joy, inspiration and beyond. These are my strengths. Real strengths.

See, my problem isn't my house. Although it is a problem. my problem has to do with me.
And that is how infertility is like endless remodeling.

The day that the love of the Lord and my love of self, and me seeing who I really and and being grateful for the situation to teach me that may be long time in coming still. I hate that. It hurts. It makes me crazy to think about. Yet, the pain from this situation will someday be my strength. I am hopeful today that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. And not just an end to the remodeling- but a day when I can see myself as the Lord sees me and being grateful for the ride.

Bored to tears

I am sitting listening to my student teacher review the ENTIRE book of TKAM with my students. I can't figure why they are doing this activity. She is talking and talking and expecting kids to take notes. I am tachingthem, they are trying but not really taking notes. Does she like to hear herself talk? This is the WORST activity as a whole.  If she wants to review with them, she should have done it on a chapter by chapter basis or test them on a chapter by chapter basis. But since the point is to teach skills of conclusions, this is a pointless activity.

Can't wait to have my class back.

I don't have anything to do on a Friday

I got asked if I could "just do this thing" for someone. I didn't want to do it, so I decided to write down all the things I should do for myself.
1. pick up kids from sitter
2. make dinner early in case Scott needs it; he's working tonight
3. pack lunch box
4. take wes to a scout dinner
5. get money for sitter and allowances
6. get mail
7. feed other kids
8. pick up wes
9 clean kitchen
10 start a load of laundry
11. feed my own animals
12. work out
13. shower
.....


can I really do someone elses chores? I guess, if I do it in the middle of the night, after I work out so that I don't have hay and mud in the weight room.
Really, what am I ? I am really feeling taken advantage of for the last 4 weeks. I have had it and I want to punch someone for not carrying their load.

By the time I get it all done it will be about 9. I won't have even sat down, unless you count my work out. I need that so that I don't totally blow up at being sucked dry.

 I still haven't texted them back to say yes or no. I can't say it nicely. So I am pretededing that I never saw it.