Can you smile

So sue me, I can't stop thinking about my role and place in our current trials with this house. All other trials seem like a walk in the park in comparison. Every one has trials: small and big in life. They are the roller coaster that makes life interesting. You can't have the good without the bad-I know this to be true and in all things around us you can see how opposites are designed to be the ying and the yang of each other. So there must have been good in our life that I didn't full recognize and the good that will be coming soon.

My question now is: how to I act during the bad, the horrible so that it will be pleasing unto the Lord?  How can I be an example of faith, dedication and peace. I don't want to break down and have a fitful meltdown over this all. I want to believe the Lord has something in store for me bigger and better than I can wish, think, or hope for.

I want to be directed by the Lord in all things related to this trial. I feel like it is a turning point in my life- a moment that will define me, my character, and my relationship with both my husband and my Lord in my future. I feel this will be a point in life that I will look back upon. I want to see the memory with pride and gratitude and not shame and guilt.
 I want to ask  "Why not me- I deserve this opportunity for blessings" rather than "why me- why do I deserve this trial."

I have been urgently desiring to be "that woman" or to be growing into "that woman" . I want to be that sister at church, home, and work who is such a true and real spiritual beacon that even though my life isn't perfect that I am obviously on the right path. I want to be the matriarch in my family that is wise, good, giving, - a quiet leader in faith, peace, and true righteousness. I just didn't know how to get there- still don't really. I know what I don't want to look like, act like, and grow like. I see that in family and acquaintanceships.
While waiting for answers, I watch others I admire and try to be like them; I don't know what else to do. I read good materials both spiritual and temporal.
I practice smiling when it hurts. Today it hurts; the fear that first gripped me made it hard to hear the Lord's comfort as I prayed yesterday for what to do.
I don't know yet what to do; I am sure that this trial with be a big burden of growth and struggle. I am willing to bear it if it means my own growth and that of my hubby. How many people would sacrifice a year or so to get a set of spiritual blessings tailored to their needs. I have decided that I can and want it.

 I can smile, even if it is only a little today.

Do I have the strength for this?

I checked the mail and we got the check and reports from the insurance company. The reports were not totally accurate. In fact in one place the engineer said that we had left the water on for 6 weeks after we had discovered the leak and that is what caused most of the damage... not true so not true. That statement might be why we only got 35k for repairs.
Called the construction guy and he said he couldn't do the repairs for that much and to call the company that gave them the quote.. Funny their name doesn't appear anywhere in the reports.
Also read part of my policy and found that at initial review we only had a year to get a lawyer and that year ended last Friday... what a coincidence.  They have done a good job of dragging their feet. I really thought I was up for fighting the company but I feel like I have no ground to stand out.

Scott was really upset with me when I called him. He said I was so negative about everything. He wouldn't talk to me much about it. It was a day that I felt lost with out my dad. He would listen to all my worries and then find a way to start solving them. It was like Scott couldn't handle my worries on top of his. He was so so so grumpy all night.

Where does this leave us? I dont' know. I called a lawyer anyway and got an appointment for at least an initial review for $150... so I am going to spend the weekend on my knees because there is nothing I can do except trust the Lord and what he knows about our needs.

Can I really battle this house and the insurance company?

Does Disaster come in 3's?

We have been battling  our house for a while. They wouldn't take my calls for like a week and then magically they said they mailed a check on the 9th of September. I know exactly what happened... they didn't want to tell me what was the low amount they wrote and wanted to make sure it got here before they told me they did it. I don't know what the amount was, but I am sure I am not going to like it....

I dont' know what the next step is. I need to call our contractor and possibly  a lawyer...

Then Scott goes down for hay and gets T-boned. Truck totaled. We are so blessed again that we don't feel devastated and are not hindered by the loss. The bad thing is the insurance company is giving us the run around about who's insurance the claim will be processing on. "To speed things up" as they told Scott, they are putting it on our insurance but the girl who caused all the accident is with them too, I totally don't understand why they are doing it that way. I am getting to the bottom of this today. I am pretty sure they are giving Scott the run around.

So now what is next?

When 4.5 weeks can kill you

When you don't turn in tests on time
when you steal tests and try to cheat and get caught
when you forget to do your homework
when you show up to class very late and then have to potty for like 20 minutes
when all of your papers are falling like trails of bread crumbs behind you
when  your mom figures out the computer
when your teacher says "I told you so" in a no sorry sort of smiley voice
When you throw your papers in the trash
when  you just don't care...

Dirt in My sheets and other events at 3:38

It was 3:38 am when I finally gave up sleeping.

• there is dirt in my sheets
• scott had awoken (yes that is the correct verb conjugation: i checked)  me 2 x with 2 lights
• first to get ready to hunt
• second to get his pillow and over night bag
• a nursery rhyme and an unrelated song repeated over and over in my head while dozing
• the kitchen light was left one
• I had to go to the bathroom
• I was cold and pulled the blanket up only to discover the amount of dirt on it from kid shoes
• my day will be long
• I am thinking about running 
• my body is about 2 hours ahead of schedule: 7 pm will be ugly

MISSING DOG Chicago Scarbrough

At this point I am not sure we have much hope, but I have to do what I can to get our little dog back.

Yesterday morning we let our little dog out just like every other morning. She never came back. We looked under piles of stuff and called her name. We talked to all our neighbors and went through our neighborhood.

We couldn't find her body or anyone who had seen her that day. She is not a wander-er and I don't know if I believe she could be stuck under debris while she dug.

I think someone took her or thought she was lost and picked her up. I even called the pound just in case with no luck. I called the vet in case someone brought in a new dog like her for a check up. I am posting here for the same reasons. We sure don't have luck with dogs; they don't end in old age around here.
I think my heart can't take another dog.

Chicago: dapple, black, white and brown. Blue eyes. 12 lbs and a Chaweenie.

Barbie, babies, badinage, and a bivouac

this is the last day of Freedom for me until 2012.
 Goals were not met, but we got a lot of Barbie movies in. The baby and the rest of us can quote Barbie like no other.

The house is still under investigation; I have seen the insurance adjuster so many times that I feel like I can call him by his first name and call him on his personal cell phone. However, there is no real decision made. We are down to  A. dump it and rebuild it or B. Band aid and it will be condemned when you're 70. (my little badinage; more on the big words later)

After careful consideration and lots of lazy involved; we have decided to live in the mess of this house and touch nothing until a decision has been made by the insurance company.  They have taken ALL SUMMER and still not made a decision, although I have heard about the conference calls and emails back and forth. I wonder if they are busy or considering their options.
I am hoping they are trying to decided what to do. I have started praying for them to soften their hearts and just tear it down. I really don't want all the work that will go into rebuilding, but I think we will be sorry in the long run.  Our contractor has said from the beginning that it really would be cheaper for the insurance company to rebuild. Yet, I am trying not to dream of new house plans and instead focus on living in a longer term bivouac to keep the dreaming down to a minimum. I ask all three of the people who read this to remember us in your prayers, too. I am seriously worried about the longevity of the house and would ask anyone to keep us in mind. I want to say "Thy will be done." but I hope His will is a new house and not a fix on this one.

In other "news":
Last night in a location to remain nameless to protect the ones to be mocked, I met my own sesquipedalian (one who uses big words with many syllables). This person said that they (how to you use a non gender-ed pronoun correctly) would rather "stay true to self, than play the game to get a better job". We were talking about being rejected for being too educated, using large unfamiliar words in a small town and I was trying to point out that a true intellect can speak correctly, yet not offend or embarrass less knowledgeable people. 


This person felt it was a betrayal of intellect to get a job by having an "ace in the hole" so to speak or not showing all that you know- Playing the Game. I think intellectual superiority can only feed your soul for so long; your stomach growls get in the way. 


 Ya, you go with your bad self and minimum wage job. Good luck with that. What ever makes you warm at night while you can't pay the bills...