struggling with the little miracles

over the last few months, our stake has asked us to pray for little miracles. I think the little miracles they are asking about are connected to missionary work.
 I am really struggling with this for many reasons. One, having  grown up it the "field" in the deep Bible south, my ideas of missionary work do not match the zealous outreaching of those here in the west where Mormons are in the majority. I really feel one should be delicate when approaching others.  this brings me to, two: that our missionaries are extremely pushy. they asked my student teacher for names, and it seems just out of his hat,  of people they could teach. these missionaries didn't even know the town well enough to know that I, the cooperating teacher, the principal, and everyone at the high school but 4 were lds- they kept asking about us. . the four that are not, three are very strong Catholics who have grown up with us SJ Mormons all their lives. if those people would ever consider changing, it would take a long building relationship. yet,   they kept pushing him to name someone, just anyone.  I am first offended that the missionaries didn't take the time to know of the lds people in town. I am angry to be pushed to name people who have not even been friends with me enough for me to have those kind of conversations with, kobolds be mortified if my name was dropped when calling and trying to get into the doors of my un ready acquaintances.  third, I don't understand the push. fourth, I don't want to be a "bad" Mormon, but i don't want to be a part of the zealous push.
I don't know what to do about this. I want to serve The Lord. I don't want it to seem like I only want to do it when it is convent for me, although that would be nice, but I don't agree  with or understand the push...
 I really don't know,what to do. I am not about to make new friends just for a secret ulterior motive of getting them baptized. I don't make friends well and don't like to,hang out with people, so I would not do it just to get someone to be Mormon. my only solution right now it to pray about what to do for me and my family.  other than that, I gots nothing... except to avoid the missionaries for now.

sometimes it is enduring the dull

I have had ups and downs in my spiritual journey, often in the same day. but I had a though in church today about enduring the slump. where nothing is wrong,just not high. I think so many times we feel if we are not singing in the car high, then something is wrong. but boring is not wrong, it is the daily grind. I do think we can as a family have prayer and scriptures better. yet, I am not thinking about that so much as the repetitive busy work necessary of life.  just working quietly getting to point  a to point b isn't exciting, fun, or even. sinful.

Then later, I was watching Kelsey put a hair clip in her hair and getting frustrated and almost put my hand out to help her, but I waited. I wAtched her, I let her struggle. her hair bow was not important so much that if she didn't get it right she would be lost. in fact, as long as she was content with her results, it was fine with me.
I thought if she asked, then I would help, but the longer I thought about it the more I wondered if I should help her at all. was the struggle success or fail-was the important thing?

My mind wandered to the two issues that have made me crazy for the last few years, my weight and my house remodel. both are not where I want them to be, and I don't know why. I work on them both off and on. I don't make them a rigorous priority, but if fugu red that the level of work I have should pay off a little more. but maybe not. maybe, like Kelsey I need to struggle with the situation and my attitude and the effort I put for are the actual lesson to be learned, and not the end results of something perfect.

Homemade Hummas

A few months ago I decided I was sick of paying 5 dollars for a little thing of humus. I looked on line to find a recipe and was successful. the problem is, no store sells or even knows what tahini is. I was at a road block. Then I found out that it is fancy pants sesame seeds. Bought 2 different kinds in the Mexican spice area. They have it at Bashas and I am sure Safeway.
Then I sat on it because I got worried that I would mess it up. Didn't pay the extra price for hummus, didn't make it- so went without.

My sister came by with hummus and I couldn't take it anymore so broke out the seeds, my frying pan and my blender and went to town. Hubby turned up his nose each time he walked by.
Today I have my first batch. I think I over cooked the sesame, and needs more salt. Other than that, it is ok. I will have to try it out on Nikki to see. Total cost? .25 1 lemon, 1 pkg of sesame, 1 can of chickpeas,. 69 1 tsp of salt, 1/4 cup of oil, water,paprika, 2 cloves of garlic.

Clever kid: I do what I want cause I am a Scarbrough

Yesterday I didn't find the boy at scouts, or at wrestling practice or at my school. I came home went to the barn and found him finishing his water chore. He had missed the 1st bus to get home in time for scouts. He stayed and did his homework in the library-what a good kid. He got on the 2nd bus. He thought he could make scouts, but was late.
What I cant figure out is why he didn't call me.
Is it a case of I do what I want or a case of my mother isn't reliable?

Conference: A time to make new lists or a time to get better reception?

I love conference. I love hearing the stories and the talks from men who have it together. I really love to see and hear how they adore their wives. It makes me see my own worth when I see how those men 'get' their wives. They are overcome with emotion for them. I know it isn't because their wives are doing something so miraculous, the miracle is happening in the hearts of the individual.
All the talks to me are designed to change the heart.
Sadly, I see how people get out their whips and lists so they can renew the self-flagellation. Today I saw someone have a renew sense of tight. The tie, the vocabulary, the sense of humor... all snapped back to factory default settings.this person seem like they need to be so tightly wrapped in the gospel with some preset actions that they have no personality, no individual worth.

I don't ever want to belong to a way of thinking that makes me feel I have to do that. I love being the unique, quirky, me. I love to laugh, to make people laugh, to think my deep spiritual thoughts in my way.
I would die if I had to make a jello salad or embroidery doilies to know that I was doing what was right. I have a right to be mismatch as long as it doesn't offend the Lord. Some ought to try it, they might find a personality.

Finding strength in the Crazy

Twice yesterday my student teacher referred to his wife as an angel to make a metaphor. It wasn't until this morning that I believed that he thought it was true. I started wondering what hubby says about me behind my back. I always assumed he would call me a swear in a joking, but not really joking way.
I realized that my view of what I think he thinks of me has partially made me who I am today- I see myself as tough, down to business, frazzled, no nonsense no cotton candy fluff. I think I have been shaped by other events too, but the most influential factor is what I think hubs thinks of me.

At the meridian of my life, metaphorically, for I may no last until 80, I wonder if I have missed out on those softer feelings toward myself and  others because I let his opinion shape my actions and opinions. Just like the other night when he called me crazy. For the first time, i didn't laugh. It isn't fun anymore.

When did I make myself and let the most important person in my life see me as less than "sister monsonish" potential? Is it too late to change? they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but I do see myself having the potential for angelic wings more now than I have ever allowed before.

Live in the Moment, know what you know

this morning I have been thinking about being well read, Common Core recommended reading list, the shut down, current events in our history classes and how to live a life the Christ approves of each day.

I think we get our information too fast, too much, too many sources. Anyone these days can report, have an opinion, and not write well, but have followers. See like mine, without the followers part. From the Sandy hook shooting that has so many errors in the various reporting, we cant get a story straight, for example. If I only relied on the news to set my view and my direction, I would be one confused pup. Thankfully, I feel my relationship with the Lord guides and filters all that I read. I feel back on track when I connect and dial in for my day.
the government might or might not shut down today, and the senators are all getting drunk over it. Again, this is out of my control, I have read too much about it from unreliable sources. I teach my students to use in text back up to be successful and these writers spout off any info they want.
I feel worried over electricity, health care, having food/fuel for my family, and so I go to my Lord to sort it out. I can't control any of those items now that my job as a voter is over, my only source for comfort and peace is my higher power.