Baby boomers and other rainbows

I have decided that baby boomers suck today. My hubby's parents blame his kids why the family is fragmented and take no thought to be the parent to lead and guide. His step mom gets her feelings hurt so easily that I don't know how to fix things. So we don't talk unles she is pretending to be my FIL over text messages. 
My mom didn't even spend Easter with us cause she was busy.  I kept waiting for her to suggest dinner an egg hunt or something but she was too busy fixing a faucet in a house that isn't hers but my brothers second home that He needs to take care of. If she would ever leave things alone, he would grow up and do it.
 My sister had a minor mishap in her marriage again and seems to be smelling like a rose....

My hubby was lured by double overtime

A woman had surgery, its been 2 weeks, and now still wants help even though I saw her at church... Don't judge, don't judge Ginee 

A neighbor did tell me my hideous to me yard looks nice, even though I can't see how, that did give me the strength to keep at it. 
We had fun hiding and hunting eggs and I am so glad I listened to that voice to wait after dinner. Scott was home and made it 10xs more fun. 
I got hubby compliments over dinner.
It's scotts week to drive, yet Aaron came to pick him up thus solving my getting RV problem.
I was getting madder and madder this morning, getting into a full fledged funk as I texted my SIL and my sister. Then I wrote.  But unlike some bloggers, I wrote for me. No sugar coating- as if I know how to be that anyway. I am glad the blogging trend has worn down in our little town. I feel more free to write to a few kindred souls that a woman who is passing time that I don't connect with. 

I wrote and remembered, yea life has goods too.

 So now I can stay miffed  for a while or use these incidents as food for growth. Now or later I still will. I got nothing from Easter services and it was my own fault, I can do the same for conference or not- it's up to me.   I can stay mad at Scott's parents, abandoned by mine, angry with The Lord about my sister , my weight,my house and yard,  my calling or.... Be selfish old lady who complains about every little hardship...  Not. I think I will still have to deal with the root of all these eventually. So now is good. Cape-check- big girl panties- check, The Lord- double check...

I am going to focus on getting to the temple in  prom month, praying about the sisters I serve, family spiritual activities, and complimenting someone each day.
Take that life- ha!t

Other people problems vs my own

I know a woman who struggles without her family close : she complains about every chance she gets on Facebook . After living so long in Texas with no family, it is hard to see what the big deal is.

Another woman is heavy and has health issues but doesn't seem to take care of herself. Our ward signs up to take her meals when it gets really bad, but she lives with two other adults and only has one kid. I wonder what those adults are doing. She is often seen out and about the same day someone signs up to take her meals. I have knelt in prayer begging for help to make sure our animals were taken care of in the dead of winter when my hubs was working an all nighter-no one answered the prayer . So I got out of the snow and dirt wiped my tears and had faith that The Lord would help me help myself.

We moved with no help- two women in our ward with family to help still needed and got help from our ward to move.

My bathroom, living room and yard are still ugly from partial remodel- I can't seem to pray Anything to happen. I am learning patience.

My point in all this is to wonder Again why some struggle alone and other problems seems to be fixed . My husband dropped 350 on a new phone and eventhoughhe has worked so hard and does deserveit hewill not find the time to finish any of my remodel that is left. I wonder what my part in all this should be and why I can't see the answer to do so. I am not bitter much any, more, just confused of how to proceed. To help myself without being so bitter at those who can't. Hence my calling compassionate service coordinator. The Lord really does have a sense of humor.

All you Jesus Freaks, get your cross out!

I see my self as the one who has had a hard cross to bear. As I age I see it as just being the first to carry a cross. Without saying any details, I had two someones call and ask me to swear to help them, but not tell. For the second time into years.
Iam grateful for my trials, my blessings, and my logic that has given me answers to give to others. one of them said that they would do two things over in life that would change everything.  I thought about that. Is there any choice I have mad tha 'twas so horrible that I would now change it? Well, maybe which first house we bought just because it should for more than our first house did. Other than that, I can't think of any bad choices thatiamnitcurrently getting blessed for anyway. God has been good like that in my life.

I am grateful for everything except my weight, my bathroom, and my living room-well and the neighbor-embarrassing landscaping. I texted mr. Darcy that I am grateful. And we are Ina good place- until he found out that I used an old meat saw as a branch cutter cause that is what I thought it was...
 We're still on for a date tonight and he has worked a month with no days off.

Good man.

Spring break

Started off likes bang. I went down in bed at 4 on Friday. I knew I had a stomach thing. I am strong so my two worried were that it would blaze thought the family and that Scott would get it. Luckily neither happened. Scott just got a cold sore. I however couldn't eat for 3days. My legs ached like I had run a marathon and sharp pains with fatigue. By Monday it old myself that some people just live with these types of things, so get up. I was shaky and dizzy, but not feverish. Weird. Cause then on Tuesday , poof! I was fine. Weird right.
 S the rest of the week we have been playing watching movies, going to the park, anything the kids would like to do. Not a fancy spring break like last year, but more enjoyable for this home body.

Rounding the corner into Spring

Can't wait until it gets warmer. I always have the hardest time with March. The electric bill from January is uglier than them all, it is cold, and the school kids arewindingdown.
Just a hard month.

Christmas Cheer

We have had a busy month this December. We went to Vegas and had the Griswald experience getting there. I am glad that I have learned to laugh about it, because we only needed the "missing" dog and the dead grandma to boot.

I came back to a stack of weird papers and odd assignments. I guess I didn't know how to assign assignments with a sub who use to be my student teacher. It was fine, life rolls on. I only had about 3 freshmen fail and 1 senior in the end fail. You can bring a horse to water, but it is illegal to drowned a kid... I couldn't force them to turn in work or critically think, although I will look like I can't teach a kid. The experts will tell you that any underfunded, aged technology, too full classroom with multiple level learners can learn if the teacher is just awesome enough and will be able to teach.

BS So many people have said they can't teach while they are voting for pay cuts or bigger teacher evaluations.

On another note, I am glad it is Christmas break even though I have what seems like an ear infection or not, can tell really.  I got a card from our RSP who told me how much burden I eased with my service.-Service: My weakness- I feel so guilty because I panic and hop around my room each time I have to call our sisters to help serve. I put them all in my place of being too busy and therefore annoyed to help, esp knowing that no one has every helped me in the ways that I need the most  (see older posts about my house) because they can't that is just life and remodeling and lessons.

I can help myself and others who don't help themselves are wimpy.

 See so I am guilty.

No blessing is a blessing when done with a rude heart- and stuff like that.

Yet I try, and I asked her to not release me until I thought I got the hang of that calling.

And another note, septic is slow.... I won't go into details for that. Just know that it calls for being creative with water. It seems like every year I have to be creative with water - be it frozen or running or breaking or leaking.

Water, and blessings, and service, Yeah, that about sums it up for December. :)

How is infertility like remodeling?

I have struggled with my house, the way it looks and things not being "right" for years-since we have moved it. It is a problem that has many sides: my hubby not caring,wanting, seeing enough to do, not knowing where to start, helpless, feeling like my prayers are not being answered, self doubt, isolation, set aside for other things.

I have run the gammet ,even in 1 day, of emotions: anger, hopelessness, despair, sadness, embarrassment, acceptance.

I have prayed, not prayed, begged, bartered, ignored-to no avail.

Then one day I was talking to a friend about infertility and not having the family life you dreamed of. She always wanted 8 kids, stay at home and a loving hubby. She got 1 and a divorce. She told me she still struggles with not having a big family. I see her hold other people's babies and I ache for her.

Not that remodeling my house is as important as building a family, but  in my case, on the eternal sense, it is and has many of the same struggles and is as important to the building of me. I realized that we both were  seeking from the Lord something we didn't have, but wanted. They both a good wantings- wantings that other women seem to get a a drop of a hat with no struggle.  The core of each of our struggles are very similar.  Lately, I have been more earnestly seeking from the Lord what I am supposed to learn from this situation and not only a solution to end it. I don't have many answers yet, but a blog from a woman who was infertile and now is pregnant with #4 gave me food for thought. It began with a scripture in Ether:
Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. 

This scripture really means something to me right now. Having this house nice is a weakness for me. It brings out the lazy, angry, hopeless, princess, worried, compassion-less (if I am struggling this hard and making it, what is wrong with you, so I don't have time to HELP YOU) struggling sides of me to the max. I have thought it was the reason my marriage isn't as good as it could be, why I am unhappy, mean, etc.
Be careful what you ask for, could be the reason I am struggling with this house. A few years ago, I could see myself going down the same path as someone close to me. I am so much like this person that I couldn't see how to make different choices, even though our situations were different in our 30s. I prayed to the Lord to help me not be like this person.
And now, I struggle with this house. I can see this morning how this house is a tool for the Lord to answer that prayer. Even when I didn't know what I was praying for. I also see that if my house magically was fixed today, that it wouldn't solve my problems with what I am struggling with. I could see how I would just fixate on another thing in my life.
I would blame the new thing on what is wrong with me, my marriage, my family.

 Here is what the other woman had to say that really says it better than I could:
My weakness was not seeing who I really was, with or without a baby. I could only see myself as a person who wanted. I was incomplete. And upon getting (miraculously) pregnant I didn't suddenly understand, but somehow along the way I could see how the Lord took me by my hand and showed me my strength:

I am a daughter of God, and therefore entitled to intelligence, creativity, joy, inspiration and beyond. These are my strengths. Real strengths.

See, my problem isn't my house. Although it is a problem. my problem has to do with me.
And that is how infertility is like endless remodeling.

The day that the love of the Lord and my love of self, and me seeing who I really and and being grateful for the situation to teach me that may be long time in coming still. I hate that. It hurts. It makes me crazy to think about. Yet, the pain from this situation will someday be my strength. I am hopeful today that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. And not just an end to the remodeling- but a day when I can see myself as the Lord sees me and being grateful for the ride.