Spent today doing bare minimums. we went to SL about 3 or 4. As we were coming back, it was raining nicely and the roads were wet until outside of Concho Valley. I was thinking about how we can be grateful in any situation. I tried really hard to focus on the rain the mountains were getting and anywhere that got it. I tried to think of why SJ wasn't getting rain and how the Lord knows our needs and will take care of us. I kept pushing thoughts of unfair out of my mind each time they came back.
I know my prayers and ungratitude isn't what keeps rain here or away, but I know that one person does make a difference to the Lord. Look at Lot when he wanted to save Sodom. One would have made a difference.
As we settled in for the night, it began to rain, I said a quick thank you for it. Then I tried not to be afraid. Ever since I was little storms and wind at night have scared me, especially when I was home alone.
One prayer may not have made a difference if it rained or not, but it made a difference to me
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Friday, July 11, 2014
A shout out to my insurance company!
I am not a big birthday person. Couldn't care about most of it really. As I age, and not eat junk most of the time, I don't really want the hassle of planning to eat out. However, a small token by my kids/hubby is what I would like without having to ask for it.
It could be cleaning for me, or a gift I won't buy myself, or doing a chore that I don't love to do. Service goes a long long long way for me as a gift. I love service as a gift I can usually buy the other things for myself.
But this is how my day went instead and I was ok with it all until dinner, no cake, no gift and .... well nothing much.
I got a happy birthday at 5 in the morning- a great start off. Very hopeful.
Later, we left to take Scott and Kenny to the airport a day early so we could celebrate my day. Again good, even though the start was a bit rocky.
We went to bass pro, the sportsman's warehouse and walmart looking for last minute stuff, which was necessary, but no one asked me what I wanted and we never bought me anything. I bought myself a new swim suit off the clearance rack while I looked for Kennedy a sweater and waited for a prescription.... I was content to buy that than have someone else buy it, but I wished someone would have thought a little about me.
We ate out which was fine because I planned my cheat day to be this day, until we only ate fast food- it was a long day, I was tired, so was Scott, but I would have liked to be the one to say "Lets order out and go back to the room".
Petes Fish and Chips really made up for 75% of my disappointment cause I cant get it and do love it, love those sloppy fish sandwiches love lobster too, just saying. cant get that on the mountain either....
The kids and I swam, which I love, yet Scott was too tired come out and sit with us, but I don't really blame him, it was hooootttt outside at 8 pm.
Yet, Happy Birthday to me, I bought myself cake on the way home from the valley and the kids sang to me when they wanted to share a piece with me.
I woke up with a sick stomach, so the cake was not a good idea. Ha to me.
3 of my 4 siblings and my mom/stepdad texted me. My kids kept saying that they thought it was the 11th, and arguing about it....hmmm yep that is why.
On the upside I got a card in the mail from my insurance company. If I had known that would have been the only recognition, I wouldn't have been so quick and snarky to throw it in the junk mail bin with a snort that they just want to keep my business.
This is the icing on the cake-pun intended- of why lately I have felt unimportant and bit maxed out on my desire to stay anonymous.I guess I have spent so many years trying not to be noticed for fear of ridicule or making too much out of a situation and making someone feel obligated, now that I have achieved it, it isn't what I want either. Birthdays are for new beginnings, so if I don't like the way things are, I can change them. Heres to something different next year.
It could be cleaning for me, or a gift I won't buy myself, or doing a chore that I don't love to do. Service goes a long long long way for me as a gift. I love service as a gift I can usually buy the other things for myself.
But this is how my day went instead and I was ok with it all until dinner, no cake, no gift and .... well nothing much.
I got a happy birthday at 5 in the morning- a great start off. Very hopeful.
Later, we left to take Scott and Kenny to the airport a day early so we could celebrate my day. Again good, even though the start was a bit rocky.
We went to bass pro, the sportsman's warehouse and walmart looking for last minute stuff, which was necessary, but no one asked me what I wanted and we never bought me anything. I bought myself a new swim suit off the clearance rack while I looked for Kennedy a sweater and waited for a prescription.... I was content to buy that than have someone else buy it, but I wished someone would have thought a little about me.
We ate out which was fine because I planned my cheat day to be this day, until we only ate fast food- it was a long day, I was tired, so was Scott, but I would have liked to be the one to say "Lets order out and go back to the room".
Petes Fish and Chips really made up for 75% of my disappointment cause I cant get it and do love it, love those sloppy fish sandwiches love lobster too, just saying. cant get that on the mountain either....
The kids and I swam, which I love, yet Scott was too tired come out and sit with us, but I don't really blame him, it was hooootttt outside at 8 pm.
Yet, Happy Birthday to me, I bought myself cake on the way home from the valley and the kids sang to me when they wanted to share a piece with me.
I woke up with a sick stomach, so the cake was not a good idea. Ha to me.
3 of my 4 siblings and my mom/stepdad texted me. My kids kept saying that they thought it was the 11th, and arguing about it....hmmm yep that is why.
On the upside I got a card in the mail from my insurance company. If I had known that would have been the only recognition, I wouldn't have been so quick and snarky to throw it in the junk mail bin with a snort that they just want to keep my business.
This is the icing on the cake-pun intended- of why lately I have felt unimportant and bit maxed out on my desire to stay anonymous.I guess I have spent so many years trying not to be noticed for fear of ridicule or making too much out of a situation and making someone feel obligated, now that I have achieved it, it isn't what I want either. Birthdays are for new beginnings, so if I don't like the way things are, I can change them. Heres to something different next year.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
the trickle of time
87
that is the number of days I have to be only a stay at home mom.
Those days make the rest of my year bearable. Not that I don't love teaching, but somewhere after February it become drastically more unpleasant. Christmas was too rushed (how can a teacher mom buy all christmas in 5 days???) and Maybe the students get to know me too well, maybe i get to know their uncommitted promises too much. Maybe baseball starts and I can't keep a clean house to save us.
87
days to live, to slow life down to a trickle, letting each day puddle in your palm and slip through your fingers into the past. I regret each drop until I find a new one in my hand to replace it.
Days are slow: full of books, lunches, thoughts, the pool and movies. TO have no where to have to be, is delicious.
I think stahm's don't understand the need to recharge like this. My sisters think we waste our summers in boredom. They are vaca-ers, go-ers, movers and shakers.
I get that.
When you face too much time alone you want to go.
yet, I go to much. so my love is to be at home, love to set my own pace, live only my life, and not worry when the kids shower or how long they have played in the sand.
it is glorious. Yet I feel school washing over me again. I have started writing little notes to self, dreamed a few dreams, bossed some kids in the park. Teacher-y stuff.
I will hold off until after the Alaska fishing trip to get serious, for now, it is nowhere and nothing on the agenda, just the way I like it.
that is the number of days I have to be only a stay at home mom.
Those days make the rest of my year bearable. Not that I don't love teaching, but somewhere after February it become drastically more unpleasant. Christmas was too rushed (how can a teacher mom buy all christmas in 5 days???) and Maybe the students get to know me too well, maybe i get to know their uncommitted promises too much. Maybe baseball starts and I can't keep a clean house to save us.
87
days to live, to slow life down to a trickle, letting each day puddle in your palm and slip through your fingers into the past. I regret each drop until I find a new one in my hand to replace it.
Days are slow: full of books, lunches, thoughts, the pool and movies. TO have no where to have to be, is delicious.
I think stahm's don't understand the need to recharge like this. My sisters think we waste our summers in boredom. They are vaca-ers, go-ers, movers and shakers.
I get that.
When you face too much time alone you want to go.
yet, I go to much. so my love is to be at home, love to set my own pace, live only my life, and not worry when the kids shower or how long they have played in the sand.
it is glorious. Yet I feel school washing over me again. I have started writing little notes to self, dreamed a few dreams, bossed some kids in the park. Teacher-y stuff.
I will hold off until after the Alaska fishing trip to get serious, for now, it is nowhere and nothing on the agenda, just the way I like it.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Ummm... Happy Birthday?
This is the text I get from the birthday girl yesterday: "Hey kids when you go to make your mom breakfast how about putting cereal in her favorite bowl, cause she is going to have to clean up after anyway. Cereal is easy. Egg, orange julius and toast is not.
I laughed,I called we talked. Her birthday wasn't really that funny as she was making dinner before all star practice. Moms don't catch a break.
My break has been filled with not wanting to shower or fix my hair, calling a rats nest unbrushed hair in a pony an "up do", hoping the breakfast/lunch in the park keeps my kids fed, reading too much, not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to stay in bed, wiping day old mascara from under my eyes and calling it eyeliner and wondering how 3 not fully grown kids make such a big mess and why NO ONE will flush.
What would I do if I stayed home all the time? I am sick of my self already and it is only week 3
I laughed,I called we talked. Her birthday wasn't really that funny as she was making dinner before all star practice. Moms don't catch a break.
My break has been filled with not wanting to shower or fix my hair, calling a rats nest unbrushed hair in a pony an "up do", hoping the breakfast/lunch in the park keeps my kids fed, reading too much, not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to stay in bed, wiping day old mascara from under my eyes and calling it eyeliner and wondering how 3 not fully grown kids make such a big mess and why NO ONE will flush.
What would I do if I stayed home all the time? I am sick of my self already and it is only week 3
Sunday, June 15, 2014
I got a taste and that was more than enough
Father's day.
Scott worked nights this week and he did Father's day eve.So we let him sleep. Alone-in quiet.
I pondered not going to sacrament meeting today without him, but we did. Alone-again.
We sat somewhere different and I swear the family behind us talked about us. Being sensitive to the day, I didn't know if it was because we "stole" a pew or because our dad wasn't with us. Nevertheless, services started out ok, with a talk on food storage. Surprised, but I was grateful a bit. The kids don't usually pay deep attention to the talks, so I was just happy for me. Then without my notice. the primary kids congregated. At first I couldn't figure out why Wes was crawling over me.
Oh no here we go, I thought.
It was and wasn't as bad as I thought. My kids were unsure who to sing to. Wes' eyes were shiny in the light. I thought he might be upset because Scott wasn't there. Kelsey was clueless. She was in her own world in her purple floaty dress and loves the singing leader so much that she was looking at her all the time with little angel eyes. Kennedy was enjoying not having to sing-smirking at Wes' pain. I felt a burn come on in my throat as I watched them sing for no purpose. Wes finally decided to sing and look at me. I thought we shared a moment of knowing, but women are so much more complicated, that it probably was all in my head.
At the end of services the dads were asked to stick around, it was awkward for us, sitting/standing there with a delay too waiting for nothing. But feeling that if we left we would be rude. No one talked to us or asked us about Scott. It was awkward. During the delay, Kennedys' YW leader asked her to help and a bit later I had Wes help too. It helped the awkwardness of having no purpose to sit there.
I drifted away down the hall, grateful that Scott was only in bed and not gone. IT would take some strength to maneuver that situation each year with grace- grace I don't have currently.
Then I read a post with this scripture: "“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.” -Psalms 68:5.
we are not fatherless, yet I believe God takes care of us when Scott can't. I should have remembered this before church to help wes. Wes was singing to a father, his Father in Heaven. I should go see my dad's grave and have a chat today.
Scott worked nights this week and he did Father's day eve.So we let him sleep. Alone-in quiet.
I pondered not going to sacrament meeting today without him, but we did. Alone-again.
We sat somewhere different and I swear the family behind us talked about us. Being sensitive to the day, I didn't know if it was because we "stole" a pew or because our dad wasn't with us. Nevertheless, services started out ok, with a talk on food storage. Surprised, but I was grateful a bit. The kids don't usually pay deep attention to the talks, so I was just happy for me. Then without my notice. the primary kids congregated. At first I couldn't figure out why Wes was crawling over me.
Oh no here we go, I thought.
It was and wasn't as bad as I thought. My kids were unsure who to sing to. Wes' eyes were shiny in the light. I thought he might be upset because Scott wasn't there. Kelsey was clueless. She was in her own world in her purple floaty dress and loves the singing leader so much that she was looking at her all the time with little angel eyes. Kennedy was enjoying not having to sing-smirking at Wes' pain. I felt a burn come on in my throat as I watched them sing for no purpose. Wes finally decided to sing and look at me. I thought we shared a moment of knowing, but women are so much more complicated, that it probably was all in my head.
At the end of services the dads were asked to stick around, it was awkward for us, sitting/standing there with a delay too waiting for nothing. But feeling that if we left we would be rude. No one talked to us or asked us about Scott. It was awkward. During the delay, Kennedys' YW leader asked her to help and a bit later I had Wes help too. It helped the awkwardness of having no purpose to sit there.
I drifted away down the hall, grateful that Scott was only in bed and not gone. IT would take some strength to maneuver that situation each year with grace- grace I don't have currently.
Then I read a post with this scripture: "“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.” -Psalms 68:5.
we are not fatherless, yet I believe God takes care of us when Scott can't. I should have remembered this before church to help wes. Wes was singing to a father, his Father in Heaven. I should go see my dad's grave and have a chat today.
Friday, June 6, 2014
Men, me, Priethood, and mommydom
The blessings of the Lord are offered to the Saints and to the world through the ministrations of those who hold his holy priesthood, who represent him, who are in fact his SERVANTS and agents and are willing to serve him and keep his commandments.12
This quote came out of the lesson manual that was one of three that struck me about the Priesthood. In the wave of sisters who are struggling to find themselves and their rightful place in the gospel that also feels right, I am struck with a surety of what I DO feel and DO know.
I know being a mom is THE hands=down toughest job in the world. It is also the best-so I am told. I think for some of us that comes in retrospect.
I think that is why satan makes it seem like the least. Cause anyone can be a mom ... we're born to be one, so it must not be important. I don't know where being born able to do something makes it not worthy to be had. I feel like I serve so much, and sacrifice so much and work on being more like God by being a mom so much, that I don't want to take on any other duty besides the callings I get on the side.
I feel it, know it. that my job as a mother is just as important as that of my husband as he uses the priesthood. I don't feel diminished or less than because I have to ask him to give a blessing to my children. I am the one they naturally go to,need want, and tell things to. My poor husband doesn't get that. He doesn't understand it 1/2 the time. He can't; he isn't a woman. His priesthood serves as a way to better be like God as my motherhood does me.
I can just see it; since I do all the motherhood duties, and if women are allowed to the priesthood, what will my husband have to do? Nothing. Because, many of us have to deal with inequality in our homes and getting more authority doesn't mean the other person will step into the jobs you don't have the time for. They will often either go undone, or women will do more. Since I work out of the home and then go to my home and work, my hubby's job seems to end at the door, that is inequality. Maybe we should be fighting first for men to do 1/2 of motherhood too. Some says that fatherhood and motherhood are equal so priesthood is the bonus we as women don't get- nope. Fatherhood duties have often been seen as optional. where as motherhood duties can't seem to be dismissed by a mother as easily. Fatherhood +the priesthood = motherhood responsibilities. Even then, I am not so sure.
Being a mom is hard...
it only gets harder when you have to defend yourself.
so signing off n the subject 'cause I know what I know.
Good night Gracie
This quote came out of the lesson manual that was one of three that struck me about the Priesthood. In the wave of sisters who are struggling to find themselves and their rightful place in the gospel that also feels right, I am struck with a surety of what I DO feel and DO know.
I know being a mom is THE hands=down toughest job in the world. It is also the best-so I am told. I think for some of us that comes in retrospect.
I think that is why satan makes it seem like the least. Cause anyone can be a mom ... we're born to be one, so it must not be important. I don't know where being born able to do something makes it not worthy to be had. I feel like I serve so much, and sacrifice so much and work on being more like God by being a mom so much, that I don't want to take on any other duty besides the callings I get on the side.
I feel it, know it. that my job as a mother is just as important as that of my husband as he uses the priesthood. I don't feel diminished or less than because I have to ask him to give a blessing to my children. I am the one they naturally go to,need want, and tell things to. My poor husband doesn't get that. He doesn't understand it 1/2 the time. He can't; he isn't a woman. His priesthood serves as a way to better be like God as my motherhood does me.
I can just see it; since I do all the motherhood duties, and if women are allowed to the priesthood, what will my husband have to do? Nothing. Because, many of us have to deal with inequality in our homes and getting more authority doesn't mean the other person will step into the jobs you don't have the time for. They will often either go undone, or women will do more. Since I work out of the home and then go to my home and work, my hubby's job seems to end at the door, that is inequality. Maybe we should be fighting first for men to do 1/2 of motherhood too. Some says that fatherhood and motherhood are equal so priesthood is the bonus we as women don't get- nope. Fatherhood duties have often been seen as optional. where as motherhood duties can't seem to be dismissed by a mother as easily. Fatherhood +the priesthood = motherhood responsibilities. Even then, I am not so sure.
Being a mom is hard...
it only gets harder when you have to defend yourself.
so signing off n the subject 'cause I know what I know.
Good night Gracie
Monday, May 26, 2014
Black River Reunion Year 2
This year we took a different but equally rough road to black river. We also took TJ and his kids. As we bounced and bumped along in the truck, I decided that this trip was too hard on my body and the old white truck. hubby wasn't feeling well and I wondered if we should go home. He took some medicine before we descended into white river and seemed ok. As we climbed the mountains over looking the dirty of whiteriver, I could hear the truck complain at every "NH". We finally get to the spot we are going and the kids gratefully pile out. As they are scouting around they noticed bear tracks. I didn't think it was a big deal until BIL and hubby pack the pistols and discuss how old the tracks were.
And so we hiked down. I predicted that I would be better at the hikes than I was last year. I was disappointed and mad at myself when I didn't see much improvement. I wonder what that says about me?
BIL brought who crew and I was afraid, like always when it come to BIL , that I would end up baby sitting them.
I was wrong. But I should have. BIL seemed short tempered with them and didn't seem like he was having fun. SILE stayed home with T . K2 was disappointed but she was a trouper. His kids seemed to have fun and blow off any verbal scrubbing they got from BIL .
WE fished and fished, catching more than we did last year, but not like I thought we should have. In the end we caught about 9.
WIII was the champ of the day with the largest fish.
And so we hiked down. I predicted that I would be better at the hikes than I was last year. I was disappointed and mad at myself when I didn't see much improvement. I wonder what that says about me?
BIL brought who crew and I was afraid, like always when it come to BIL , that I would end up baby sitting them.
I was wrong. But I should have. BIL seemed short tempered with them and didn't seem like he was having fun. SILE stayed home with T . K2 was disappointed but she was a trouper. His kids seemed to have fun and blow off any verbal scrubbing they got from BIL .
WE fished and fished, catching more than we did last year, but not like I thought we should have. In the end we caught about 9.
WIII was the champ of the day with the largest fish.
it was a super hard hike out, boo to me. SII was getting sick and I had no clue how he managed to hike as the leader, with a ton of fish. I was so worried about him, but could do nothing because I was so out of breath even with 6 months of working out even my 5 year old could keep up with me. The only person I could beat was B , he didn't have the stamina to make it and started crying. I wondered if he had done anything that hard before.
On the hike out we saw fresh bear poo. The bear had been there within a few hours. I wondered if the knocking and rollling of rocks down the mountain earlier in the day was that bear. or a Sasquatch... I had ignored those noises before but my heart gave a leap as I called out to scott to throw the fish one at a time at the bear like bread crumbs to hansel and gretel if it came near us.
As we were bumping our way back to civilization, we saw a fire rise over the sky. At first I thought it was near us and prayed that we would be safe and wondered how we would save ourselves. Each time I Looked back at the smoke clouds they were bigger. One point we were higher than the fire and I could see black mixing with the white of the clouds. I kept thinking that if we could make it to ID ranch, because of the rocks and bare ground, we would be safe. Scott told me it was on the other side of the river, it didn't' look like it. As the fire clouds plumed into the air I was Not sure he told the truth. WHen I asked him if he was for real, he said he wouldn't tell me if it was close anyway as I could do nothing about it. But I would know because he said he wouldn't spare the truck to get away.
THe truck, our kids, and the fish made it home ok
Scott was sick for 5 days after.
I am grateful to the Lord that he kept scott safe for the day. I couldn't have packed him out and he would have been so sick it would have been impossible to make it home.
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