Father's day.
Scott worked nights this week and he did Father's day eve.So we let him sleep. Alone-in quiet.
I pondered not going to sacrament meeting today without him, but we did. Alone-again.
We sat somewhere different and I swear the family behind us talked about us. Being sensitive to the day, I didn't know if it was because we "stole" a pew or because our dad wasn't with us. Nevertheless, services started out ok, with a talk on food storage. Surprised, but I was grateful a bit. The kids don't usually pay deep attention to the talks, so I was just happy for me. Then without my notice. the primary kids congregated. At first I couldn't figure out why Wes was crawling over me.
Oh no here we go, I thought.
It was and wasn't as bad as I thought. My kids were unsure who to sing to. Wes' eyes were shiny in the light. I thought he might be upset because Scott wasn't there. Kelsey was clueless. She was in her own world in her purple floaty dress and loves the singing leader so much that she was looking at her all the time with little angel eyes. Kennedy was enjoying not having to sing-smirking at Wes' pain. I felt a burn come on in my throat as I watched them sing for no purpose. Wes finally decided to sing and look at me. I thought we shared a moment of knowing, but women are so much more complicated, that it probably was all in my head.
At the end of services the dads were asked to stick around, it was awkward for us, sitting/standing there with a delay too waiting for nothing. But feeling that if we left we would be rude. No one talked to us or asked us about Scott. It was awkward. During the delay, Kennedys' YW leader asked her to help and a bit later I had Wes help too. It helped the awkwardness of having no purpose to sit there.
I drifted away down the hall, grateful that Scott was only in bed and not gone. IT would take some strength to maneuver that situation each year with grace- grace I don't have currently.
Then I read a post with this scripture: "“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.” -Psalms 68:5.
we are not fatherless, yet I believe God takes care of us when Scott can't. I should have remembered this before church to help wes. Wes was singing to a father, his Father in Heaven. I should go see my dad's grave and have a chat today.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Friday, June 6, 2014
Men, me, Priethood, and mommydom
The blessings of the Lord are offered to the Saints and to the world through the ministrations of those who hold his holy priesthood, who represent him, who are in fact his SERVANTS and agents and are willing to serve him and keep his commandments.12
This quote came out of the lesson manual that was one of three that struck me about the Priesthood. In the wave of sisters who are struggling to find themselves and their rightful place in the gospel that also feels right, I am struck with a surety of what I DO feel and DO know.
I know being a mom is THE hands=down toughest job in the world. It is also the best-so I am told. I think for some of us that comes in retrospect.
I think that is why satan makes it seem like the least. Cause anyone can be a mom ... we're born to be one, so it must not be important. I don't know where being born able to do something makes it not worthy to be had. I feel like I serve so much, and sacrifice so much and work on being more like God by being a mom so much, that I don't want to take on any other duty besides the callings I get on the side.
I feel it, know it. that my job as a mother is just as important as that of my husband as he uses the priesthood. I don't feel diminished or less than because I have to ask him to give a blessing to my children. I am the one they naturally go to,need want, and tell things to. My poor husband doesn't get that. He doesn't understand it 1/2 the time. He can't; he isn't a woman. His priesthood serves as a way to better be like God as my motherhood does me.
I can just see it; since I do all the motherhood duties, and if women are allowed to the priesthood, what will my husband have to do? Nothing. Because, many of us have to deal with inequality in our homes and getting more authority doesn't mean the other person will step into the jobs you don't have the time for. They will often either go undone, or women will do more. Since I work out of the home and then go to my home and work, my hubby's job seems to end at the door, that is inequality. Maybe we should be fighting first for men to do 1/2 of motherhood too. Some says that fatherhood and motherhood are equal so priesthood is the bonus we as women don't get- nope. Fatherhood duties have often been seen as optional. where as motherhood duties can't seem to be dismissed by a mother as easily. Fatherhood +the priesthood = motherhood responsibilities. Even then, I am not so sure.
Being a mom is hard...
it only gets harder when you have to defend yourself.
so signing off n the subject 'cause I know what I know.
Good night Gracie
This quote came out of the lesson manual that was one of three that struck me about the Priesthood. In the wave of sisters who are struggling to find themselves and their rightful place in the gospel that also feels right, I am struck with a surety of what I DO feel and DO know.
I know being a mom is THE hands=down toughest job in the world. It is also the best-so I am told. I think for some of us that comes in retrospect.
I think that is why satan makes it seem like the least. Cause anyone can be a mom ... we're born to be one, so it must not be important. I don't know where being born able to do something makes it not worthy to be had. I feel like I serve so much, and sacrifice so much and work on being more like God by being a mom so much, that I don't want to take on any other duty besides the callings I get on the side.
I feel it, know it. that my job as a mother is just as important as that of my husband as he uses the priesthood. I don't feel diminished or less than because I have to ask him to give a blessing to my children. I am the one they naturally go to,need want, and tell things to. My poor husband doesn't get that. He doesn't understand it 1/2 the time. He can't; he isn't a woman. His priesthood serves as a way to better be like God as my motherhood does me.
I can just see it; since I do all the motherhood duties, and if women are allowed to the priesthood, what will my husband have to do? Nothing. Because, many of us have to deal with inequality in our homes and getting more authority doesn't mean the other person will step into the jobs you don't have the time for. They will often either go undone, or women will do more. Since I work out of the home and then go to my home and work, my hubby's job seems to end at the door, that is inequality. Maybe we should be fighting first for men to do 1/2 of motherhood too. Some says that fatherhood and motherhood are equal so priesthood is the bonus we as women don't get- nope. Fatherhood duties have often been seen as optional. where as motherhood duties can't seem to be dismissed by a mother as easily. Fatherhood +the priesthood = motherhood responsibilities. Even then, I am not so sure.
Being a mom is hard...
it only gets harder when you have to defend yourself.
so signing off n the subject 'cause I know what I know.
Good night Gracie
Monday, May 26, 2014
Black River Reunion Year 2
This year we took a different but equally rough road to black river. We also took TJ and his kids. As we bounced and bumped along in the truck, I decided that this trip was too hard on my body and the old white truck. hubby wasn't feeling well and I wondered if we should go home. He took some medicine before we descended into white river and seemed ok. As we climbed the mountains over looking the dirty of whiteriver, I could hear the truck complain at every "NH". We finally get to the spot we are going and the kids gratefully pile out. As they are scouting around they noticed bear tracks. I didn't think it was a big deal until BIL and hubby pack the pistols and discuss how old the tracks were.
And so we hiked down. I predicted that I would be better at the hikes than I was last year. I was disappointed and mad at myself when I didn't see much improvement. I wonder what that says about me?
BIL brought who crew and I was afraid, like always when it come to BIL , that I would end up baby sitting them.
I was wrong. But I should have. BIL seemed short tempered with them and didn't seem like he was having fun. SILE stayed home with T . K2 was disappointed but she was a trouper. His kids seemed to have fun and blow off any verbal scrubbing they got from BIL .
WE fished and fished, catching more than we did last year, but not like I thought we should have. In the end we caught about 9.
WIII was the champ of the day with the largest fish.
And so we hiked down. I predicted that I would be better at the hikes than I was last year. I was disappointed and mad at myself when I didn't see much improvement. I wonder what that says about me?
BIL brought who crew and I was afraid, like always when it come to BIL , that I would end up baby sitting them.
I was wrong. But I should have. BIL seemed short tempered with them and didn't seem like he was having fun. SILE stayed home with T . K2 was disappointed but she was a trouper. His kids seemed to have fun and blow off any verbal scrubbing they got from BIL .
WE fished and fished, catching more than we did last year, but not like I thought we should have. In the end we caught about 9.
WIII was the champ of the day with the largest fish.
it was a super hard hike out, boo to me. SII was getting sick and I had no clue how he managed to hike as the leader, with a ton of fish. I was so worried about him, but could do nothing because I was so out of breath even with 6 months of working out even my 5 year old could keep up with me. The only person I could beat was B , he didn't have the stamina to make it and started crying. I wondered if he had done anything that hard before.
On the hike out we saw fresh bear poo. The bear had been there within a few hours. I wondered if the knocking and rollling of rocks down the mountain earlier in the day was that bear. or a Sasquatch... I had ignored those noises before but my heart gave a leap as I called out to scott to throw the fish one at a time at the bear like bread crumbs to hansel and gretel if it came near us.
As we were bumping our way back to civilization, we saw a fire rise over the sky. At first I thought it was near us and prayed that we would be safe and wondered how we would save ourselves. Each time I Looked back at the smoke clouds they were bigger. One point we were higher than the fire and I could see black mixing with the white of the clouds. I kept thinking that if we could make it to ID ranch, because of the rocks and bare ground, we would be safe. Scott told me it was on the other side of the river, it didn't' look like it. As the fire clouds plumed into the air I was Not sure he told the truth. WHen I asked him if he was for real, he said he wouldn't tell me if it was close anyway as I could do nothing about it. But I would know because he said he wouldn't spare the truck to get away.
THe truck, our kids, and the fish made it home ok
Scott was sick for 5 days after.
I am grateful to the Lord that he kept scott safe for the day. I couldn't have packed him out and he would have been so sick it would have been impossible to make it home.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
My boy weezy
I got a call yesterday at work by the middle school principal.
"Hello" I said in a chipper voice, it does better to be nice if your kid is in trouble.
"Hello, this is Mr. B, Before I say anything I want you to know that Wes is all right."
Life never is good when people tell you THAT before the details. I thought maybe he got into a fight and was hurt or jumped off the school roof after a ball.
These two things he has done before and I guess he never been caught.
"Oh, dear, what happened" My heart took a dip and I tried not to get choked up.
Mr Burgoyne proceeded to tell me that while Wes was playing at recess. He was breathing in and blowing out while having a zip whistle in his mouth. Wes was was walking around by the fence doing this over and over. One breath in too hard caused the whistle to get lodged in his throat. But he was ok by the time I was called. I laughed a little- It is funny, but I got sick too.
Wes told me later that He could breath a bit but whistled each time. He panicked and started coughing and threw up a bit. I worried that he could breathed it back in because the force of the throw up being blocked by the whistle. A little friend ran to get a teacher and that teacher on duty sent out a mayday to various places for help. Many teachers ran back to help him. He thought it only took 2 minutes, but I bet it took longer. They helped him to the office - it was still stuck. His classroom teacher was hitting him on the back and he coughed over and over; it finally flew out.
The office had him lie down for a while and he was given water and candy for his throat. After a bit, he then decided to go back to class. IMr. Raben said they tried to give him the Heimlich but he wheezed every time they pushed on his stomach.
He said only later did they laugh at the sound. I think his new name is wheezy.
"Hello" I said in a chipper voice, it does better to be nice if your kid is in trouble.
"Hello, this is Mr. B, Before I say anything I want you to know that Wes is all right."
Life never is good when people tell you THAT before the details. I thought maybe he got into a fight and was hurt or jumped off the school roof after a ball.
These two things he has done before and I guess he never been caught.
"Oh, dear, what happened" My heart took a dip and I tried not to get choked up.
Mr Burgoyne proceeded to tell me that while Wes was playing at recess. He was breathing in and blowing out while having a zip whistle in his mouth. Wes was was walking around by the fence doing this over and over. One breath in too hard caused the whistle to get lodged in his throat. But he was ok by the time I was called. I laughed a little- It is funny, but I got sick too.
Wes told me later that He could breath a bit but whistled each time. He panicked and started coughing and threw up a bit. I worried that he could breathed it back in because the force of the throw up being blocked by the whistle. A little friend ran to get a teacher and that teacher on duty sent out a mayday to various places for help. Many teachers ran back to help him. He thought it only took 2 minutes, but I bet it took longer. They helped him to the office - it was still stuck. His classroom teacher was hitting him on the back and he coughed over and over; it finally flew out.
The office had him lie down for a while and he was given water and candy for his throat. After a bit, he then decided to go back to class. IMr. Raben said they tried to give him the Heimlich but he wheezed every time they pushed on his stomach.
What would you do in her shoes
From time to time I read Stephanie Nielson's blog. Sometimes I think she is full of herself-like we all are, sometimes I think it is for show-like we all are but every time I stare along time at her pictures, both before and after. I try to imagine what is is like to be her, to have lived through the ugly and the pain, why she sued my town for her accident, what the back story to this was and how she sees herself now.
I think I do this because I struggle with the way I look. Sad to say, there are times when I am doing my day, but in the back of my mind I an worrying about the thoughts of others and if my failings my looks are distracting others causing them to judge me rather than listen and learn from me. These thoughts run like a low hum through all I do all day every day. They control some, much of what I will and wont do.
I wonder how she travels on with her looks, how they affect her day, her family , her life. I don't understand why she does some of the things she does, I don't agree either, but I do understand if she is trying to find the beauty and acceptance in her new face, body, and life. No matter what decisions she makes. I keep coming back to watch how and try not to judge. It is hard to be yourself no matter what self it is.
I think I do this because I struggle with the way I look. Sad to say, there are times when I am doing my day, but in the back of my mind I an worrying about the thoughts of others and if my failings my looks are distracting others causing them to judge me rather than listen and learn from me. These thoughts run like a low hum through all I do all day every day. They control some, much of what I will and wont do.
I wonder how she travels on with her looks, how they affect her day, her family , her life. I don't understand why she does some of the things she does, I don't agree either, but I do understand if she is trying to find the beauty and acceptance in her new face, body, and life. No matter what decisions she makes. I keep coming back to watch how and try not to judge. It is hard to be yourself no matter what self it is.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Sauerkraut and Missionary work
When I was young, living in Texas with my parents, i have a vague memory of my mom making sauerkraut. My memory is really limited but I do remember all of us kids making a big fuss. She had this crock and food, and I remember thinking what she made was horrid. I have since linked it with the experience of my grandmother staying with us and making liver and onions. Both meals were awful. TO this day I have never eating liver and onions. I almost could say the same about sauerkraut. Yet a few Thursdays ago when we were grocery shopping and Kennedy was at dance, I was so hungry I had a headache. I stopped in at Arbys. I got a ruben on rye, in the middle was sauerkraut. The sandwich was the best experience from fast food that I had in a long long time. I groaned with pleasure at every bite.it was embarrassing, so I was glad I was in the car alone. I hoped the waiting parents in the next car couldn't hear me. but it was dark so maybe they can't recognize me.
I know that fast food places dumb down condiments and flavors: the spicy chicken at McD's is not so spicy, the salsa at sonic is chunky ketchup, the sauerkraut at arbys is not so strong. I usually mock the other fast food places for their bland flavors, yet now I realize how some feel about the spicy other places.
Missionary work for me is like sauerkraut. I'm sure Brother Uckdorf can really handle some strong sauerkraut and loves it. Me- not so much. Not that the canned is good, but bland fresh would probably work for me. We are really focusing on missionary work in our stake this year and I feel it is like strong sauerkraut. I can't hardly take it. I feel already burned out and pushed to my limit of sharing the gospel with others. I feel a clash in what I have always believed: that there are many paths back to Jesus, and some need to hear the good words of others, not just LDS to find that path. Like different sauerkraut recipes What would the world be like of all good works and good people were only LDS? Don't some people out there need "bland sauerkraut" when it comes to the gospel to learn to love and want the stronger version? I have been told many times this month that if we really feel we had the good news we would be so anxious for others to have it too. As if anything they currently believe is not good news. Yes I do believe we have the only correct ordinances and authority to get us through the gates of Heaven. (had a inactive friend ask me how do I know that we have the correct priesthood, and besides faith, I didn't have an answer and want to find one)** and did later to my own satisfaction and strengthening of my own beliefs.
Those who are talking of missionary work at every breath come off to me like there is no other way but to baptize them all NOW. I have never felt like this before with any other church idea. I usually find my spot, how much I can give and feel good about it too. While I believe and am told to carefully pray about who could benefit from my particular "recipe", I feel at the same time that I am being told that should included someone else s ideas. I feel guilty for not calling myself on a mission, for not giving 70 hours a week like a Jehovah's witness is ( I know i am exaggerating for a giggle) I am so focused on incidences like my student teacher being asked by the missionaries to give them names of all of us at the school he worked with so they could contact us. He told me they were really really persistent. 1. the missionaries should know our small town so well that they knew the school better, and 2. that is so inappropriate to ask for contact information from him on a professional level when he has not gotten to know any of us personally. Or when a sunday school teacher felt the need to take up 30 minutes talking about her current plan of promoting missionary work more in her life.
I really don't know what to do; I have tried to talk to my people around me and they are not struggling and can't bridge the gap to help me find my place. I don't feel my testimony shaken, nor do I want to quit going to church. I just don't think this is the WAY for me, and I can't find one nor can I ignore it.... ***at a loss ***
I heard a story about someone praying for a year over a particular problem before she got an answer; it wasn't the one she was looking for and it took a long time.
Hopefully as I keep working on this I will find my place my way and my recipe.
I know that fast food places dumb down condiments and flavors: the spicy chicken at McD's is not so spicy, the salsa at sonic is chunky ketchup, the sauerkraut at arbys is not so strong. I usually mock the other fast food places for their bland flavors, yet now I realize how some feel about the spicy other places.
Missionary work for me is like sauerkraut. I'm sure Brother Uckdorf can really handle some strong sauerkraut and loves it. Me- not so much. Not that the canned is good, but bland fresh would probably work for me. We are really focusing on missionary work in our stake this year and I feel it is like strong sauerkraut. I can't hardly take it. I feel already burned out and pushed to my limit of sharing the gospel with others. I feel a clash in what I have always believed: that there are many paths back to Jesus, and some need to hear the good words of others, not just LDS to find that path. Like different sauerkraut recipes What would the world be like of all good works and good people were only LDS? Don't some people out there need "bland sauerkraut" when it comes to the gospel to learn to love and want the stronger version? I have been told many times this month that if we really feel we had the good news we would be so anxious for others to have it too. As if anything they currently believe is not good news. Yes I do believe we have the only correct ordinances and authority to get us through the gates of Heaven. (had a inactive friend ask me how do I know that we have the correct priesthood, and besides faith, I didn't have an answer and want to find one)** and did later to my own satisfaction and strengthening of my own beliefs.
Those who are talking of missionary work at every breath come off to me like there is no other way but to baptize them all NOW. I have never felt like this before with any other church idea. I usually find my spot, how much I can give and feel good about it too. While I believe and am told to carefully pray about who could benefit from my particular "recipe", I feel at the same time that I am being told that should included someone else s ideas. I feel guilty for not calling myself on a mission, for not giving 70 hours a week like a Jehovah's witness is ( I know i am exaggerating for a giggle) I am so focused on incidences like my student teacher being asked by the missionaries to give them names of all of us at the school he worked with so they could contact us. He told me they were really really persistent. 1. the missionaries should know our small town so well that they knew the school better, and 2. that is so inappropriate to ask for contact information from him on a professional level when he has not gotten to know any of us personally. Or when a sunday school teacher felt the need to take up 30 minutes talking about her current plan of promoting missionary work more in her life.
I really don't know what to do; I have tried to talk to my people around me and they are not struggling and can't bridge the gap to help me find my place. I don't feel my testimony shaken, nor do I want to quit going to church. I just don't think this is the WAY for me, and I can't find one nor can I ignore it.... ***at a loss ***
I heard a story about someone praying for a year over a particular problem before she got an answer; it wasn't the one she was looking for and it took a long time.
Hopefully as I keep working on this I will find my place my way and my recipe.
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