Clever kid: I do what I want cause I am a Scarbrough

Yesterday I didn't find the boy at scouts, or at wrestling practice or at my school. I came home went to the barn and found him finishing his water chore. He had missed the 1st bus to get home in time for scouts. He stayed and did his homework in the library-what a good kid. He got on the 2nd bus. He thought he could make scouts, but was late.
What I cant figure out is why he didn't call me.
Is it a case of I do what I want or a case of my mother isn't reliable?

Conference: A time to make new lists or a time to get better reception?

I love conference. I love hearing the stories and the talks from men who have it together. I really love to see and hear how they adore their wives. It makes me see my own worth when I see how those men 'get' their wives. They are overcome with emotion for them. I know it isn't because their wives are doing something so miraculous, the miracle is happening in the hearts of the individual.
All the talks to me are designed to change the heart.
Sadly, I see how people get out their whips and lists so they can renew the self-flagellation. Today I saw someone have a renew sense of tight. The tie, the vocabulary, the sense of humor... all snapped back to factory default settings.this person seem like they need to be so tightly wrapped in the gospel with some preset actions that they have no personality, no individual worth.

I don't ever want to belong to a way of thinking that makes me feel I have to do that. I love being the unique, quirky, me. I love to laugh, to make people laugh, to think my deep spiritual thoughts in my way.
I would die if I had to make a jello salad or embroidery doilies to know that I was doing what was right. I have a right to be mismatch as long as it doesn't offend the Lord. Some ought to try it, they might find a personality.

Finding strength in the Crazy

Twice yesterday my student teacher referred to his wife as an angel to make a metaphor. It wasn't until this morning that I believed that he thought it was true. I started wondering what hubby says about me behind my back. I always assumed he would call me a swear in a joking, but not really joking way.
I realized that my view of what I think he thinks of me has partially made me who I am today- I see myself as tough, down to business, frazzled, no nonsense no cotton candy fluff. I think I have been shaped by other events too, but the most influential factor is what I think hubs thinks of me.

At the meridian of my life, metaphorically, for I may no last until 80, I wonder if I have missed out on those softer feelings toward myself and  others because I let his opinion shape my actions and opinions. Just like the other night when he called me crazy. For the first time, i didn't laugh. It isn't fun anymore.

When did I make myself and let the most important person in my life see me as less than "sister monsonish" potential? Is it too late to change? they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but I do see myself having the potential for angelic wings more now than I have ever allowed before.

Live in the Moment, know what you know

this morning I have been thinking about being well read, Common Core recommended reading list, the shut down, current events in our history classes and how to live a life the Christ approves of each day.

I think we get our information too fast, too much, too many sources. Anyone these days can report, have an opinion, and not write well, but have followers. See like mine, without the followers part. From the Sandy hook shooting that has so many errors in the various reporting, we cant get a story straight, for example. If I only relied on the news to set my view and my direction, I would be one confused pup. Thankfully, I feel my relationship with the Lord guides and filters all that I read. I feel back on track when I connect and dial in for my day.
the government might or might not shut down today, and the senators are all getting drunk over it. Again, this is out of my control, I have read too much about it from unreliable sources. I teach my students to use in text back up to be successful and these writers spout off any info they want.
I feel worried over electricity, health care, having food/fuel for my family, and so I go to my Lord to sort it out. I can't control any of those items now that my job as a voter is over, my only source for comfort and peace is my higher power.

looking up

Have you ever just looked up? The kind of looking when you have no reason to as you get out of the car for a moment, or maybe you're doing some random chore outside. I do occasionally. Sometimes it is at night when I am walking back from the barn in the dark. I look up and see an airplane shooting silently across the night sky. I wonder who is in the plane where they are going and wish for a change and to be with them.

Some times I look up at the dying sky and see the clouds rolling across the sunset. Last night was such a night. The clouds looked dark and ominous they seemed to billow almost Voldemort style, black and angry. They were dark and billowy in a way that suggested change or danger.  It has been coming even if I am not ready, -2 minutes at a time from my day, slowly creeping into Fall.
 The wind this morning even sounds different than that summer breeze that has lingered so far into September. And to think it was so hot Friday.
I don't think I am ready for the change of seasons. I feel unsettled this morning.

Happy birthday Kelsey: time the throw away the binkies.

Kelsey is turning 5 this week. As I am a bad mom, we are not inviting all of her dance class to our house for a party. I am just not a good time manager like that to do work and a party. *sigh...

We have been trying to talk her into throwing away her pacifiers. I could have done it years ago. But Helen made Scott burn his security blanket when he was five and it was such an ordeal- the burning ,i think, not the loss of the blanket- that I want it to be her decision. yet if hate moms like me. who wants a 20 year old to be such ink a binky? well never get rid of her at this rate.

Released: Let down or worry

So after 3 years, I was unceremoniously released from what others think as a horrid calling. Not that I disagree totally; I have just decided that the horrid part was making cold calls to sisters. The rest was a piece of cake.

Did I really look overwhelmed and busy? I didn't feel like I was or am. Maybe I just got comfy in the calling;  it seems like I had it down pat the last little while. (Or I am delusional, and I was horrid at it)
Other than my attitude that all sisters should be strong, I thought I did a good job. I think many sisters are not strong and I still wonder why.  Many are very fragile, I have found.
I watch many sisters spin their wheels, stew in their own problems and wail for others to help them. I probably don't know the amount of sisters that never say a word, because they never showed it.

What was I supposed to learn? It really haunts me that I don't know, I don't know if I learned it or if the Lord just needed a tough bird like me.

I was always worried that my self-sufficient attitude would be the death of my ability to serve in this calling. I still wonder if it is one of the reasons I was released. I worried about it, had conversations with myself, and stewed.Thankfully,  I was less depressed than I was about being released from Primary Sec. Then, I felt unwanted, unable to serve and didn't go to church for about 5 months. It was the first calling I had ever had here in SJ, and I felt like everyone was looking at me, knowing I didn't have a calling and wasn't good enough when I got realeased.

Still worried that my talents don't grow in the areas that are needed in our stake or ward. Yet, I will have to have faith that it is enough, cause even if it isn't I am probably not going to change over night...  Really don't care much what anyone thinks anyway. My biggest concern is if I learned and grew like the Lord needed me to while I was in this last calling. I can't tell.

One promise I made myself is that when sign up lists go around, I will always sign up for them if for no other reason than I know how it feels to be desperate. I hope I can keep that promise to myself and the Lord.

Other than that promise,

What did I learn? This is a thought meant for more thinking.