The Bed to myself and can't sleep

At precicely 3:05 this morning the scream of a baby woke me. I startled and jumped out of bed because even in my sleep induced (was I snoring?, cause I have done that a lot lately and woke myself up) comam her scream didn't sound like a rustle in the middle of the night.



It was.



I found a binky in her bed after wandering around the house looking for it. Went back to bed to lie there until 3:47. I got on the computer to blog. At 4:30 I saw the beginning of day and for the next few minutes I watched the barely perceptable dawn bloom. Athough no one in her right mind should be up blogging and watching the day unfold; it is my favorite time of the day. If I wasn't so tired all the time I would do this everyday.



I should have been sleeping; I had the bed to myself.

More respect

It must be satan working overtime on our family. Sicne I decided to have more respect in our home, we now have less of it. I don't even know what to do-expect go back to the basics AGAIN. Family home evening topic? Respect (and testimonies/fasting which appearently my kids have no clue what they are)

If you don't write it; it is forgotten

It is amazing how time flies. As you get older it seems to speed up; whirling like a dervish on the brink of control. It was 6 years ago that I was large and in charge with Wesie waiting his arrival that my dad died. I dont' have a very good memory- tending to file information away rather than think about it. Yet after many years on borrowed time; my dad didn't take very good care of himself and his body couldn't keep up. (sorry Nik I had to steal the pic)

I have started to think about health lately for both Scott and I. Do we take care of ourselves? What will our health be like in 20 years? As I look at this picture I can see the signs of what will come in his future. He didn't feel good for so long. Yet, it was shocking to bury him when I felt so young still-29. Although we were not close; I think there were things I still needed to learn from/about him. I never really got to know him; he was such a private person.

Has it really been 6 years? That is longer than I was in college, high school. Longer than I waited to buy a car of my own. Longer than my son is old. With the changes in Scott's family's life and with Scott- I feel the need to talk to him, ask him stuff. I am glad my step-dad is there to pick up the pieces he left behind.

I used to go out to his grave all most everyday- back when I was struggling a lot. It gave me peace even though I knew he wasn't there. I still go out there when I need answers and to check on the baby's grave out there. Is it harder to loose a parent when you are young or a child who has so much life still to live?

My heart grieves for a family who has to face this answer and many more this week. Prayers of peace are the only thing I can offer.

That and the suggestion to go and visit as much as you need over the years to come.

Time heals all wounds, but only if you let it.

I still struggle with it.

Library Book review: books I love, books I .... humm.`

Since the Libray, oh lovely den of information, has opened again. I have been down there much. I am sad that it has lost its creaky floorness, reminding me of my happy days in Mrs. Ladendorffs (?) kindergarten class. But still happy to see the books. (not always happy to see some people in there)- bygones for sure. (Scrubs?, no? then nevermind)

Anyway, I have found myself slipping off to the library almost everyday when the kids are a swim lessons. I have a few minutes of psudo-freedom there. My own sanctuary. (that I have to share with the kids once a week, when they return their books/moives etc too).

I had decided to start in the A's this summer to read. I have decieded that because unless someone tells me what they have just read, how would I know what I like to read? I feel guilty for all those books that I never bend down to look at beacuse they are below waist level. I feel guilty for all the books that have non interesting covers that I gloss over. Therefore I decided to read from A to Z. Some I will skip due to content that I won't read-( like too many romances hurt my own romatic life, I think)

I have read a book called Zorro, so far from the A section- good in a quirky way, but a. I would have never found it b/c I ususally skip the As, but b. i was hoping for a different story line. This was good, never the less. If anyone is looking for that type of book- read it.

I have read a book- The 5 People you Meet in Heaven. It was ok, on the story level, but I didn't like how that was supposed to be Heaven. I thought the book would be more profound from all the hype it got a few years ago. Cute story, didn't change my life- quick read.

I skipped to the Cs-Card. I picked up a book by Orson Scott Card, I don't even know the name of the book now- I had read his book Rebecca, so good that I wanted to read another book by him; his outerspace sci/fi didn't do it for me- no not Ender's Game. I put it down- a wasted choice only after a few pages of actually reading and a few more of skimming.

My summer routine is not getting off to a good start

So I know from a certain someone who thinks I am just as disorganized and unclean in the summer and I am in the fall. I don't think he is usually right, but I can't get it together yet. I don't know what the deal is,

I wil blame it on the weather. It is so weird.

You can't decipline an adult

I will get to my great Sunday at another time, but I had to post this to get comments and to get it off my chest to then focus again on my Sunday. If this was truly a private, me- only blog, I would spend pages and adjectives agonizing over the hurt I feel. This is one of the few times I thought I wish I didn't have a public blog. I wanted to rant and rail and put down the person I am most shocked by, but then, just like anger, hurt doesn't go away if you focus on it. It just grows.

It is a good thing I am censoring myself. I will be less worked up about it in the end.

There is a certain someone, and before you think it is Scott, I will tell you emphatically it is not!, who has been the most shockingly selfish person this last year. This person has time after time out topped him/her self with decisions that have hurt the loved ones around again and again. I say shocking, because this person has never been so before. Now it seems that this person doesn't care really about his/her kids or family or past friends. If he/she did, the decisions would be different.

I can't stop thinking about it and every time I hear something new, it hurts me more. How can someone just write people off? How can they just blow off their past and responsibilities?

Do you really ever know someone?

Guess not.

The worst thing is about being around this person is , you can't discipline an adult. Or Parents. Especially someone else dad. who doesn't care about what you say anyway.

No breakfast but lots of movies

It is 7:49 am and I am reading blogs, ignoring my kids requests for breakfast, letting them watch all the movies they want, and thinking that I had a rough day yesterday, of which I am still feeling the effects.

I have not worked out, worked in the yard, read scriptures-barely prayed (please, help me have a better day).

It wasn't the eye dr. apptment that gave me a headache.

It wasn't the drive to Show low

It wasn't finding out that I will have to wait to fix my phone or something like that.

It wasn't the text messages from a tired hubby wanting to know what was for lunch b/c the kitchen had disappeared (AGAIN???, we gotta get that fixed someday, but it is so expensive ;).

It wasn't finding out that you can't just buy a bearing (SP?) for a car air conditioner, you have to buy the whole unit for our make and model. (UGGHH)

IT WAS the lack of conflict resolution skills we apparently have. Just when I think I am maturing- ya not so much. Lucky for us we have 20+ acres and wind that blows north that acts like a buffer zone for shocked neighbors. Yet I have heard stories about our neighbors ( I am just saying they might laugh instead of being shocked)