Why on a Sarturday

3:55 that is what time my eyes opened this morning. I got in late from training, still felt bad about K1 having to walk home from practice, and a little worried that the chickies fared for the day. K1 didn't choose to figure out how to vid chat or even regular chat.

Laid in bed an surfed, waiting to see if K2 would get up for her trip with the Cherios.

she didn't

She also didn't put away groceries or even get her sister on the bus.

I am tired of that kind of behavior. very very tired.

and her dirty room.

 I think I will clean it myself and check on her. I have been feeling uneasy about who she is with and how long she is gone. Also my ipod is missing and my child NOBODY has it.

I wonder if the apron strings are feeling too loose or it is the spirit telling me to check more.

Need to ponder that on the road.
Was going to run but i sit here at 10 finally figuring out my blog, the vid chat, the regular chat, and freezing b/c it feels like Nov.

                           I just heard it thunder. Is that the excuse not to run today>

 I am sitting in my running clothes.

Pondering while Running

Lately I have been running. Not well, not fast, just for me and to be alone.

 I load up the phone with scriptures or inspirational articles and listen while i run. In the summer I can be gone for an hour, do about 5 miles.

 Now with fall and responsibilities coming on, I run about 30 minutes max and hit about 2.5. miles. I have finally found a pace that I can maintain for a while like a mile. I love it. I also love that I can get my time with God in without the littles who are little no more bugging me.

And so it begins... the journey of one mom and one daughter trapped in a room for 140 days

Trapped.

Maybe that isn't the right word as it doesn't explain to outsiders what is going on in my head. There are so many other words . We have a million to choose from I should stretch my vocabulary and try to find the ones that do my worries and concerns justice.

Today is the day I start teaching my daughter. The daughter who i don't understand. The one who has become a stranger to me in the last 4 years. She doesn't trust anyone. She loves nothing, she hopes for nothing. Her face shows nothing. I feel I have caused this.

Trapped with me and I with her.

I don't know if we will do each other more damage. I can see we don't connect. She won't be able to traffic the gray land between mom and teacher.  She will try to play me for her own purposes and then be equally rude and distant. I will watch her face and get mad when she isn't paying attention. and then ignore her to give her space.  She will never open up and tell her thoughts but plays it safe. my beautiful talented girl who worries what others thinks yet  fights the world.

I wish it could be different. Don't know how it can be. There always tomorrow- when school starts.