looking up

Have you ever just looked up? The kind of looking when you have no reason to as you get out of the car for a moment, or maybe you're doing some random chore outside. I do occasionally. Sometimes it is at night when I am walking back from the barn in the dark. I look up and see an airplane shooting silently across the night sky. I wonder who is in the plane where they are going and wish for a change and to be with them.

Some times I look up at the dying sky and see the clouds rolling across the sunset. Last night was such a night. The clouds looked dark and ominous they seemed to billow almost Voldemort style, black and angry. They were dark and billowy in a way that suggested change or danger.  It has been coming even if I am not ready, -2 minutes at a time from my day, slowly creeping into Fall.
 The wind this morning even sounds different than that summer breeze that has lingered so far into September. And to think it was so hot Friday.
I don't think I am ready for the change of seasons. I feel unsettled this morning.

Happy birthday Kelsey: time the throw away the binkies.

Kelsey is turning 5 this week. As I am a bad mom, we are not inviting all of her dance class to our house for a party. I am just not a good time manager like that to do work and a party. *sigh...

We have been trying to talk her into throwing away her pacifiers. I could have done it years ago. But Helen made Scott burn his security blanket when he was five and it was such an ordeal- the burning ,i think, not the loss of the blanket- that I want it to be her decision. yet if hate moms like me. who wants a 20 year old to be such ink a binky? well never get rid of her at this rate.

Released: Let down or worry

So after 3 years, I was unceremoniously released from what others think as a horrid calling. Not that I disagree totally; I have just decided that the horrid part was making cold calls to sisters. The rest was a piece of cake.

Did I really look overwhelmed and busy? I didn't feel like I was or am. Maybe I just got comfy in the calling;  it seems like I had it down pat the last little while. (Or I am delusional, and I was horrid at it)
Other than my attitude that all sisters should be strong, I thought I did a good job. I think many sisters are not strong and I still wonder why.  Many are very fragile, I have found.
I watch many sisters spin their wheels, stew in their own problems and wail for others to help them. I probably don't know the amount of sisters that never say a word, because they never showed it.

What was I supposed to learn? It really haunts me that I don't know, I don't know if I learned it or if the Lord just needed a tough bird like me.

I was always worried that my self-sufficient attitude would be the death of my ability to serve in this calling. I still wonder if it is one of the reasons I was released. I worried about it, had conversations with myself, and stewed.Thankfully,  I was less depressed than I was about being released from Primary Sec. Then, I felt unwanted, unable to serve and didn't go to church for about 5 months. It was the first calling I had ever had here in SJ, and I felt like everyone was looking at me, knowing I didn't have a calling and wasn't good enough when I got realeased.

Still worried that my talents don't grow in the areas that are needed in our stake or ward. Yet, I will have to have faith that it is enough, cause even if it isn't I am probably not going to change over night...  Really don't care much what anyone thinks anyway. My biggest concern is if I learned and grew like the Lord needed me to while I was in this last calling. I can't tell.

One promise I made myself is that when sign up lists go around, I will always sign up for them if for no other reason than I know how it feels to be desperate. I hope I can keep that promise to myself and the Lord.

Other than that promise,

What did I learn? This is a thought meant for more thinking.